"Strange Love"
Doom sat at the kitchen table with blueprints, charts, and a bunch of other tools spread across the table. Houde stumbled into the kitchen and sleepwalked his way into preparing a bowl of cereal.
Doom: …and if the sunset is scheduled for 1836……take away the 7……windspeed is 12knots…
Houde: Oh God…what are planning now?
Doom: Nothing.
Houde: Then why the mission tools?
Doom: No reason………and the moon is in Jupiter………
Houde: Are there gonna be explosions involed?
Doom: Not certain yet. Depends on whether or not the target takes Route A. If he doesn't and decides to take Route C---then yes.
Houde: Is this taking place anywhere near The Shack?
Doom: …assuming target is wearing a cowboy hat…--uh no. Not near the Shack.
Houde: Then I'm good.
Doom: You will be.
Houde: What?
Doom: Nothing.
Houde: No…you said something. What was it?
Doom: Oh nothing. I was thinking aloud.
Houde: Am I Target A?
Doom: No.
Houde: Fine.
And Houde walked back to his room. Doom looked up and smirked.
Doom: You're Target B.
That Morning At The Shack…
Houde arrived at The Shack and called a meeting in his office.
Houde: You guys…I have an announcement…
Doom: We're getting a puppy?!?!?!
Houde just looked at Doom.
Houde: No.
Doom: Awwww…
Houde: Deal with it. As I was saying---Gentlemen, I present to you…our newest addition to the Houde's Chili Dog Shack menu………a 3ft long hot dog w/ chili cheese, sauerkraut, onion and thousand island dressing!
McCheese: Can we call it "The Rosie"?
Houde: No.
Doom: Oooo…what about "The Dr.Phil"?
Houde: No! Stop naming my creations after fat people in Hollywood!
Doom: Then what do we call it?
Houde: The Houdenator…
Doom and McCheese: Meh.
Houde: Shut up and make the hot dogs.
McCheese left. Doom stood there…milling around Houde.
Doom: So……………
Houde: Ugh. What?
Doom: So you gonna see Twilight again?
Houde: Yeah. And stay away from her.
Doom: No no yeah. I got ya. Don't worry. She's not my type. But you 2 seem great together. You guys have a real solid bond. It's cute.
Houde: Is there a point to all this?
Doom: You mean life in general or just this conversation?
Houde: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Doom: Ok bro…look---I'm sorry I ruined your special date with Twilight. I apologized. I'm trying to make amends here. What do I have to do to get back in your good graces? I miss my Broseph.
Houde: Did you refer to me as your Broseph?
Doom: Yeah.
Houde: Look…the situation is fine. I don't need your help or anything like that. Just let it be.
Doom: But---
Houde: NO! No buts. Leave it. Now if you'll excuse me…I need to do the inventory and develop a marketing campaign for The Houdenator.
Houde closed the office door.
Doom knew that although Houde was telling him no…deep down he really wanted Doom's help in making things right.
That Afternoon…
Houde saved the excel chart he was working on and powered off the computer.
Houde: Hey guys…I'm gonna go ahead and take off early. I got a meeting downtown with bank. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
McCheese: Ok boss. Have a good night. Tell your mom I said "Sup?" .
Houde: What?
McCheese: Nothing.
Houde: Doom, can you stay and help McCheese close up? Last time he left the fridge door open and all the produce wilted.
Doom: Yeah no prob. Hey you wanna grab some drinks later?
Houde: Sorry…I got plans. Later.
Houde walked out and headed to his car. Doom peered out the window and waited for Houde's car to get down the street.
Doom: Ok Cheese…it's time!
McCheese giddily clapped his hands together real fast.
Doom: It's time for Operation CUPID'S CHOKEHOLD. Let's…get…dangerous.
McCheese: Hey…isn't that from—
Doom: Yep. Let's do this.
McCheese stepped out front and stood on the counter.
McCheese: Attention all customers----get…the…****…out! Raise up out this piece!
Doom quickly followed suit.
Doom: That's right people…get out! We're closing early. Take your hungry asses to McDonald's or something. Come back tomorrow and we'll give you free food. Get out! Make your way to the exit.
McCheese: If I count to 3 and y'all still here I'm gonna go oops upside yo head!
Doom: Nice one.
McCheese: I was watching BET earlier.
The customers just stared at the 2 of them. Doom and McCheese looked back. Doom then sighed deeply.
Doom: Ok…your way.
Doom went behind the counter and came back out with a shotgun.
Doom: Now y'all wanna leave?
The customers stampeded to the doors.
McCheese: I don't think Houde's gonna like the fact that we threatened the customers.
Doom: Don't worry. We'll say we were being held hostage during a robbery by a bunch of breakdancing Asians. Stuff like that happens all the time and people keep coming back.
McCheese: It could work.
Doom: I came up with the plan didn't I?
McCheese: Verily.
With all the customers finally clearing out the Shack, Doom and McCheese locked up the place and headed out.
Later Across Town…
Doom and McCheese sat in the bushes, completely concealed by the shrubbery. Houde and Twilight rounded the corner down the street and began to approach them.
McCheese: How'd you know he'd take this route?
Doom: Houde hates
Star Wars and the guy who played Chewbacca is signing autographs at the local comic shop. It's only logical that he'd avoid that street so as not to run into any fanboys.
McCheese: Brilliant.
Doom: Know thy enemy…or best friend…or whatever.
McCheese: So what's next?
Doom: Ok…the 2 of them are gonna walk by soon. At that point I'm gonna bust out the old accordion and begin singing in Italian. You know…to serenade them. Then you're gonna step out from behind the tree in your little Italian tuxedo and usher them over to the fancy picnic we have laid out.
McCheese: Nice.
Doom: At that point Joe Kalicki is gonna arrive dressed as Cupid. He's gonna throw a---
McCheese: You think this is going too far?
Doom: Naw. Oooo---they're coming. Get ready.
Houde and Twilight approached closer.
Houde: So how's the folks?
Twi: Fine I guess. Mom is pinging because their anniversary is getting closer and she's all excited to see how Dad is gonna surprise her.
Houde: That's nice. Should be quite show.
Twi: I hope so. After last year's fiasco, he's got a lot of making up to do.
Houde: So---
Houde was interrupted by the sounds of a nearby accordion.
Houde: Oh dear God.
Twi: Can I take a guess?
Houde: You can…but you won't really need it. Trust your gut.
Doom stood up and continued to play the accordion. McCheese stepped out from behind the tree.
McCheese: Good evening. Please step right this way.
Houde: Uh no. We're fine.
McCheese: Please step right over here.
Houde: No. And who's watching the store?
McCheese: We closed up. Now uh…over here?
Doom: Come on man! We're trying to set the mood here!
Houde: Stop setting the mood. No mood setting is needed. Mood is not needed.
Doom: Bro…just go with it.
Twi began to laugh. Houde's face got redder and redder.
Doom: When the moon hit's your eye…
Houde: Stop. I swear if you attempt to finish that lyric I'm gonna bury you.
Doom just stared Houde down. Houde stared back. Doom smirked.
Doom: Like a big-a pizza----
BOOM!
Outta nowhere Houde punched Doom in the jaw. He then quickly swung around and clocked McCheese in the gut. Both went down.
Houde: You just couldn't leave it alone? You had to go and hatch a scheme!?!?!?!?
Doom stood up.
Doom: Ok. First one's free. Now it's gonna cost you.
Houde: 67 HIS HAS GORRILLA HANDS THUNDER STRIKE!!!!!
Houde flew at Doom with a flurry of strikes. Doom quickly blocked them all.
Doom: Told ya the first one was free.
Twilight quickly stood between the 2.
Twi: Will you 2 please stop!?!?!?!? You're acting like a bunch of 5 year olds!!!!
Doom: Hey Houde…control yo woman dawg!
Twi: What?
Doom: Handle yo business Houde.
Houde: Why are you talking like that?
Doom: It's after 3pm. Now it's the black side of me's turn.
Houde: Oh.
Twi: What did you just call me?
Doom: Houde…talk to your woman and tell her she betta recognize!
Twi: His woman? You ignorant, slack jawed, yokel. I'm his sister.
Doom: Womansaywha?
Twi: I'm his sister. Why would you think we're dating?
Doom: …………
Houde: See why I told you to leave it alone? I knew you had the wrong idea but I felt it was so stupid that I didn't feel like correcting you.
Doom: Your sister?
McCheese: Sister?
Joe Kalicki: Your sister?
Twilight jumped back.
Twi: And who is Baby Huey here?
McCheese: You're pretty mean you know that?
Twi: Shhh. It's stops speaking to it's intellectual superior or else it gets the hose.
Doom: Ouch.
Houde: Twi…lets get outta here. Now that these idiots know the truth, they'll lose interest and leave us alone.
Houde and Twilight walked off together. Doom, McCheese, and Joe Kalicki just stood there dumbfounded.
Doom: Did you know he had a sister?
McCheese: Dude…I don't know. I don't even know why I'm here. I'm just supposed to make the hot dogs and sleep on your couch.
Doom: Speaking of which…I need to talk to you about rent.
McCheese: Yeah…I gotta go.
McCheese ran off leaving only a smoky silhouette of himself in his place.
That Night At the Apartment…
Doom walked into the living room and saw Houde sitting on the couch. Doom took a seat next to him.
Doom: So…
Houde: Don't.
Doom: I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Houde: Noted.
Doom: I'm just saying---you told me to drop it. And I didn't. Instead I hatched a plan and embarrassed everyone.
Houde: No. Just yourself.
Doom: Noted. But like I said---I'm sorry.
Houde: It's ok. I tend to act like an overprotective douche when it comes to Twi. She just broke up with her ex. He just kinda disappeared on her. I hope she doesn't want to get back with him whenever he comes back.
Doom: Oh so she's single.
Houde: I'll punch you again. And then give you that tail.
Doom: Ok. I'll leave her alone.
Houde: Thanks.
Doom: So we cool?
Houde: Yeah…we cool.
Doom: You wanna go get some drinks?
Houde looked at his watch and stood up.
Houde: Can't. I got a date with this girl Twi hooked up for me. She's an awesome wingman. She totally walked up to this girl and made this joke and then pulled the "Haaaaaaaaaaaave you met Houde?" line.
Doom: Nice. You sure I can't date her?
Houde: Tail.
Doom: Oh yeah. So where's Twi now?
Houde: Back at her apartment. She's gotta do some report for her Pop Lit class. Something about some "Olsen Adventures".
Doom: Ooo. The 20 twin set?
Houde: Doubt it. She once told me that one day she's gonna get rid of all the Olsen Twin, Britneys, Paris Hiltons and Lindseys of he world
The Cask of Amontillado-style.
Doom: Scary.
Houde: Kinda.
Doom: Ok. So this girl…she got a name yet?
Houde: Not yet. But she's a nurse.
Doom: Oooooo………….sexy.
The End
