Doom lay on the couch with his head buried in a comic book.
Houde walked into the room with a huge grin on his face.
Houde: DOOM!
Doom: 'Sup?
Houde: Doom…do you know what today is?
Doom: The day I don't go into work because I plan on doing nothing except sitting here catching up on my comics…eating this totally kick-*** Hawaiian pizza…and later seeing a special lady?
Houde: No.
Doom: Really? Because I was really looking forward to that day. Especially since I'm already 5 hours into the day and I was all ready to order that pizza. So tell me…what God forsaken reason is there for this to not be my day?
Houde: Doom…today is December 1st. You know what the means?
Doom: Nope. But I suppose you're gonna tell me?
Houde: It means it's the official day to start spreading the holiday cheer!
Doom: ****. You're one of them aren't you? You're one of those Christmasy people?
Houde: Indeed I am.
Doom: I should've known. The Frosty the Snowman sweater you have on should've been the dead give-away.
Houde: Verily. Ok…so check it…I was thinking today we could head down to the store and get some decorations? Which do you prefer---fake tree or real tree?
Doom: Or I could sit here and continue on with the plans I already had?
Houde: Come on! Get in the spirit! You better shape up. "You Know Who" is always watching.
Doom: I swear to Charles Barkley---if you say what I think you're going to say…I'm gonna hogtie you. Right here. Right now.
Houde just looked at Doom. He raised his eyebrow and licked his lips. Doom began to shake his head "no" in slow-motion. Houde cleared his voice.
Houde: San-ta.
Doom's right eye twitched. He leapt across the room and tackled Houde to the ground. After 6 seconds of what seemed to be a Twister trainwreck, Doom stood up tossed off his invisible cowboy hat.
Doom: YEEEEE-HA! Bah Humbug.
Doom walked off and lay back down on the couch. He left Houde there laying there. Hogtied.
Houde: Doom? Doom? Jokes over. You can untie me now. Doom?
Later That Afternoon at The Apartment…
Doom walked into the kitchen. He sat next to Houde at the counter.
Doom: Sorry about the hogtie thing earlier.
Houde: S'ok.
Doom: And I'm sorry about leaving you there when company came over.
Houde: S'aight.
Doom: And I promise I'll take those pics off my Myspace page tonight.
Houde: 'Precciate that.
Doom: So……uh….you still wanna go get those decorations?
Houde's face lit up. He beamed a giant smile and turned to Doom.
Doom: I mean it's only fair since I made all those "Squeal piggy" jokes earlier.
Houde continued to smile. He reached out and hugged Doom. Then he briefly rest his head on Doom's shoulder as he hugged him. Doom frowned.
Doom: Ok. You can stop now.
Houde didn't.
Doom: Anytime would be great.
Houde continued the hug.
Doom: If this doesn't end right now the decoration trip is off.
Houde let go instantly.
Houde: I'm gonna go get ready. I'll be right back and we can go.
Houde ran out the room. Doom just sat there.
Doom: Bah Humbug.
The Apartment Later That Evening…
Doom and Houde entered the apartment carrying many bags of decorations in each hand.
Houde: Just think—by the time it's time for us to hit the sack tonight, this place will look like a winter wonderland. It's gonna be magical.
Doom: You are so gay it hurts.
Houde: Come on Doom! Why all the gloom and grinchiness this time of year? It's Christmas! It's time to be merry and all that jazz. You know…hence the say "MERRY Christmas". What gives?
Doom: Humbug.
Houde: Don't be like that. Why you so upset?
Doom: It's a long story. One that I don't feel like explaining.
Houde: You know what'll get you in the holiday spirit?
Doom: You know you're gonna get punched before the night is done right?
Houde: You need some EGG NOG!
Doom: Vodka would be better.
Houde: One egg nog coming up!
Doom: Humbug.
Houde: You won't be all humbugging when I shove this egg noggy goodness down your throat.
Doom: Funny…I said the same thing to your mom last night.
Houde: You know what…you're not gonna bum me out. You just go on to your room. I'll decorate myself.
Doom: Even better….I'm gonna go to the strip club like any REAL man would do. You stay here and decorate for Santa. And while you're at it…make me some Christmas cookies. *****!
Doom left. Houde just stood there.
Houde: One day he's gonna find out the true meaning of Christmas.
Houde stood there and took a sip of the egg nog.
Houde: Mmmmmmm. Noggy.
That Night…
Doom stumbled into the apartment. 3 girls just giggled and followed him in. The girls knocked over the bowl by the door.
Doom: Shhhh! You'll wake my roommate.
Girl#1: Sorry. Tee-hee.
Doom: Oh…I can't stay mad at you. Not with those.
Doom began to drool. Then he bumped against a wall. Houde walked into the living room with a groggy look on his face.
Houde: Ummmm……what the hell is going on out here?
Doom: I have found the best reasons to celebrate Christmas. Meet The Spirit of Christmas Past. This is The Spirit of Christmas Present. And the raven-haired maneating beauty over there is The Spirit of Christmas Future.
Houde: Hi. I'm the roommate. This is the living room. That's the kitchen over there. And in the kitchen is a clock. That clock says that it's 3am in the ****ing morning!
Doom: Don't be rude to the guests. Especially when Past can do things with a candy cane that even I have never seen. And I've been to Japan!
Houde: I'm going back to bed. Keep it down. And try not to get herpes all over everything here.
Present: Hey! I haven't had an outbreak in almost 7 months.
Doom: Ok…you can go now. Past and Future will be more than enough.
Present: But I---
Doom: No no no. We don't get down like that here. You leave now. And take your bumpy crotch plague with you.
She left.
Past: Sorry…she's my ride for later. I gotta go.
Doom: No! Stay. We'll party. I'll take you back later.
Past: Oh. Well in that case…NO.
She left too. Doom turned to Future.
Doom: So….I guess it's just me and---
Future: And you. I'm not staying here by myself. Sorry. You're cute and all…but I gotta stick with the girls.
Doom: Fine. I should've known. Be gone.
Houde overheard all of this from his room. He smiled.
Doom: ****ing Houde. Cockblocking-science fact stating-jackass. Ugh. Nothing left to do now except go to bed.
Doom went to bed.
Later That Night…
Girl: Dooooom…
Doom shrugged off the voice and rolled over.
Girl: Doooooooom…
Doom shrugged off the voice again.
Girl: Doooooom…
Doom: OMG…can you not see that I'm trying to sleep off a sad night? What the hell do you---Oh hey! It's you. Welcome back Spirit of Christmas Past. So…you wanna party?
Past: Um no.
Doom: Well what do you want then? Again…might I suggest party?
Past: No. Well yes. I am here to party. But not like you think. Here…come with me.
Doom: Where we going?
Past: Just come on.
Doom: No. I wanna know where we're going. I'm not just gonna follow you blindly just because you ask me to.
Past flashes a boob at Doom. Doom gets up and follows.
A lot of smoke and flashy lights. All of a sudden---
Doom: Hey…I know where we are. But how?
Past: You couldn't begin to fathom my powers.
Doom: If your powers are as magical as what you flashed me earlier…then I want to fathom. I wanna fathom hard. All night.
Past: Cute. But no. So you wanna tell me where we are?
Doom: You brought me here. Why should I tell you? Don't you already know?
Past: I do…but the traditional method of this rip-off dictates that you tell me.
Doom: Did you just try to break the 4th wall?
Past: No. Now just tell me so we can move on…
Doom: Fine. We're at my first Christmas with the ex-wife. At her parent's house.
Past: Yep.
Doom: It was the first time in a long time that I felt welcomed during the holidays. With no fighting…no cursing…no drinking. Just a good family gathered together to celebrate the holidays.
Past: And they were good Christians too right? Both parents were pastors. And they made you go to church with them as well?
Doom: Yep.
Past: And what's happening now?
Doom: I'm giving the wife her first Christmas present.
Past: Oooo. A coat. Aren't you just the Great Gift Giver?
Doom: Wait for it…
Doom's ex-wife tries on the coat and puts her hands in the pockets. Her face gets quizzical. She pulls put a small box. She opens the box and squeals.
Past: Hidden jewelry in the pocket? Nice one.
Doom: Told ya.
Past: So this is was one of the times you were in the holiday spirit?
Doom: Yep. But this was a long time ago.
Past: Not that long ago. And you mean to tell me that you'll never want to feel this way again?
Doom: Nope. And what kinda Christmas Spirit Stripper are you? Shouldn't there be less sappy memory reliving and more booty shaking?
Past: You know what? We're done here. I'm taking you back.
Doom: We gonna party then?
More smoke and pretty lights.
Doom is back in his bed. He looks around and no sexy spirit to be found.
Doom: Damn…I gotta stop eating ribs before bedtime.
Even Later That Night…
Doom slept soundly. All of a sudden a hard slap across his face woke him up.
Doom: What the ****? Ah hell. I assume you're the Spirit of Christmas Present?
Present: Tee-hee.
Doom: I take it you don't wanna party either.
Present: According to you, you don't wanna party with me. I think that was made apparent by you kicking me out earlier.
Doom: Well…you did have that condition.
Present: Breakout free. Still wanna party?
Doom: Mmmmm…pass. Sorry.
Present: *******. I'm tempted not to show you the Christmas Present.
Doom: But it's only the beginning of the December. So if you showed me a Christmas present, wouldn't it actually be the future?
Present: You got a point.
Doom: So what the plan?
Present: I guess I could show you anyways. Perhaps what Christmas would be like if you stick with how you're acting now?
Doom: You could.
Present: Or we could party?
Doom: Yeah no. I don't plan on taking a trip to BumpTown anytime soon.
Present: *******.
More smoke and lights. This time to a funky Kylie Minogue disco-pop beat.
Present: Ta-da!
Doom: We didn't go anywhere. There's was the fancy show…only to clear with me in my bedroom.
Present: Open the door.
Doom opens the bedroom door. He sees Houde in the living room with guests. The merriment sickens Doom.
Doom: Oh come on!
Present: What?
Doom: Is he drinking hot cider?
Present: Looks like it.
Doom: Wait…did he just say that they're all about to go caroling?
Present: Yep.
Doom: He is so gay.
Present: And yet you refuse to be the Chocolate Bear to his Vanilla Bear.
Doom: Oooh. Good one. Can I use that?
Present: Yeah sure.
Doom: Ok…I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning a lesson from all this…but I can't take much more of this stupid holiday bull**** from Houde. I know him. And the next thing coming up is wrapping presents while watching "A Christmas Story" marathon. Either that or making homemade egg nog.
Present points to Houde.
Doom: Yep. Told ya. Homemade egg nog. Can we go back now? We can party.
Present: Ok…ready?
Doom: Let's do this!
Smoke and lights and all that good stuff.
Present: Ok…..so we're back. You…uh…wanna…
Doom: Yeah…you know…I'm actually pretty tired. I think I'm just gonna hit the hay and get some shut eye. Big day tomorrow. I gotta get up early and stuff.
Present: *******.
Doom: Working on that. So yeah…bedtime?
Present screams in anger and disappears in a flash of light. Doom looks around the room.
Doom: Umm…so I don't get interrupted in my sleep again, can we just get this whole thing over with and bring on the Future chick? You know? Wrap this up so I can get some sleep? I mean I'm up now anyway.
Nothing happened. Doom looked around the room. He saw nothing.
Doom: Damn. Heaven forbid that the spirits cut me a break since they're busting in on my sleep.
Doom turned around and there was Spirit of Christmas Future. Standing right in front of him.
Doom: Ooooh. Sneaky.
Future said nothing.
Doom: Oh right. I've seen this story a bunch. I know how this goes. You don't talk…but you take me to my grave? Everyone stands around talks about how much they miss me despite how grouchy I was?
Future said nothing.
Doom: ****. Right. Ok…we'll you're still on the silent kick. Let's get this over with.
The room got black…and all of a sudden in a flash of fire and brimstone Doom and Future stood in the middle of some big room with a bunch of people partying like it was New Year's Eve.
Doom: Wow…that was way different than the other 2 with the flashy lights and smoke. Also…they didn't burn the cuff of my pants with their crazy travel methods. You gonna buy me a new pair?
Future shook her head no.
Doom: Great. You girls are really ****ing my night up. Anyways…what's going on here? Shouldn't people be grieving or something? Way is there a party going on?
Future just cocked her head to the side and gave Doom the "Oh really?" look.
Doom: Wait…you mean to tell me that when I die, there's gonna be a big party? No grieving? No crying?
Silence.
Doom: Oh come on!!! This is bull****!!! Someone's gotta be grieving? You know what…just take me to my grave so I can have my epiphany and change my wicked ways.
Fire and brimstone...lots of coughing. Doom stood at the foot of his grave.
Doom: Uh-huh. Ok. Seen my grave. I now renounce my wicked ways…I promise to smile and be nice…and kiss puppies and pet babies and stuff like that. And I guess I could start respecting women more. Or at all.
Future rolled her eyes. They left the cemetery went back to the apartment.
Doom: A cab? Really? We couldn't do the flashy travel thing again? I hope you know you're paying since I'm in my pjs and have no wallet on me. So there! Whaddya think of them apples.
The cab stopped and they walked the rest of the way.
Doom: I hate you all. You stupid sexy evil spirits.
The Next Morning…
Doom opened his eyes and looked around the room. The sun blared thru the room. Doom looked under the bed…then in the closet…and checked the bathroom.
Doom: No evil sexy spirits. Damn----errr uh…I mean sweet.
Doom ran to windows and opened them. He saw some kid standing on the street corner.
Doom: Hey! Hey boy! Up here!
Boy: Whatchu want?
Doom: Quick---what day is it?
Boy: December 3rd.
Doom: Damn. I thought all this was supposed to take place on Christmas Eve?
Boy: Whatchu talkin' 'bout?
Doom: Nothing. Go back to what you were doing.
Boy: You ain't my daddy!
Doom: You don't know that.
Doom went back inside, out on some clothes and went to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Couple of minutes later Houde walked in the kitchen.
Houde: Hey.
Doom: Hey.
Houde: Sorry last night…I shouldn't have salted your game.
Doom: Meh…it happens.
Houde: Nah…that wasn't very holiday cheer of me.
Doom: Ugh. You still on that holiday cheer thing?
Houde: Dude…it's the holidays.
Doom: Bah humbug.
Houde: You still all grinchy?
Doom: Yep.
Houde: I hope you get a visit from the Spirits of Christmas. Like in a Christmas Carol.
Doom: Yeah….already happened.
Houde: What?
Doom: Yeah…happened last night. I met Past, Present and Future.
Houde: Yeah and?
Doom: Past was cute.
Houde: Wait----you're saying that I'm supposed to believe you? That this fabled thing happened to you?
Doom: Yep.
Houde: Well I don't.
Doom: Too bad. It happened.
Houde: Say I was to believe you…why aren't you different? Shouldn't you be all merry and stuff?
Doom: I guess.
Houde: Well why aren't you?
Doom: I got bored midway thru the whole thing. I stopped paying attention. I guess I missed the moral of the story.
Houde: But you know the moral! Everyone knows the moral! Why aren't you catching the holiday spirit?
Doom: To be honest…I'm hoping that if I keep up the foul mood that I'll be visited again. I told you…Past was cute.
Houde: I bet no one has this problem with Chanukah.
The End
