Bass
Nexus of the World
Outer Space
Crunch, crunch. Dorito, after dorito. All tangy. All cheesey. All the time. Bass Lak Tus was always hungry, and when he was not devouring planets, it was tangy cheese Doritos. They were all that could tide his appetite between meals.
Bass Lak Tus: "Duh yuh shink thuy can tsee uts?"
Ultimate E: "… Yes."
Bass Lak Tus: "BUH 'OW?!"
Dorito crumbs spit across Ultimate E's face. Used to months of this, Ultimate E, continued.
Ultimate E: "How do you think?"
The space ship that roams the stars, looking for worlds to devour, is called "Just Normal Typical Space Debris" but its owner, Bass Lak Tus, the Nexus of Worlds.
Just moments ago, across that space ship came a shuttle. That shuttle has been hailing the "Just Normal Typical Space Debris" ever since.
Bass Lak Tus: "Buh thuh clouk isv wuhrkink!"
Yet more Doritos fly across the bridge of the… let's just say JNTSD for short, okay?
Ultimate E: "… Yes."
Bass Lak Tus: "I havth efvun upgraydid thuh clouk! Naaw vee brlend in wivth thuh resft ofv thuh galaxshee, fvor ve louk lyk a sthtar - WIVTH FIVE PUNTSH!"
Indeed, the JNTSD was now an enormous near-moon sized space ship, bleached brilliant white in colour, fashioned into a five-pointed star.
Ultimate E, using the entire span of his hands, removes the dorito mush on his face and drops it to the floor. A good three pounds worth.
His control is slightly frayed.
Ultimate E: "Maybe they're using their EYES."
Ultimate E's voice cracks into a high-pitch. He clears his throat and calms down.
Bass Lak Tus stars out at the viewscreen depicting the hailing shuttle.
Bass Lak Tus: "IZESF!"
Bass Lak Tus moved in closer to Ultimate E.
Bass Lak Tus: "IIIIZZZZZEESSSF?!"
Ultimate E is nigh-omnipotent, but it took all his fortitude to withstand the smell of rancid cheese.
Bass Lak Tus: "I musht huv thishf clouking-perscepshun teknulugee! Brling mee theez 'IZESF'!"
Ultimate E flies from the JNTSD up to the shuttle. The bay doors open and he is let in.
Inside the shuttle are two humans, clad in purple robes.
Ultimate E: "Hello."
Pandrio: "Look! It is the herald of Bass Lak Tus! We are humbled by your presence."
Ultimate Galactus: "Humbled."
Ultimate E: "Are you two from Earth?"
Pandrio: "Indeed!"
Ultimate Galactus: "We were NASA scientists, and we have been searching for the mighty Bass Lak Tus for years! It was no easy task, I assure you!"
Years Ago at NASA
Pandrio: "Gal, any luck finding Bass Lak Tus yet?"
Ultimate Galactus: "Not yet, although… this could be it! Increasing photographic imaging."
Upon their screen is the JNTSD, big as life.
A smile creeps across Ultimate Galactus' face.
Ultimate Galactus: "I think… Is that it?"
Pandrio: "It looks like it… but what is that writing on it? 'Just'… 'Normal'… 'Typical'… 'Space Debris'?"
Ultimate Galactus: "Damn. We were so close."
Pandrio: "Hey, after a while, all that normal, typical space debris can be like clouds, they start looking like things."
Ultimate Galactus: "I guess they do."
Now Again
Ultimate E: "Okay. Great. Listen, do you have a spare shuttle or pod or something?"
Pandrio: "For you? Of course, Mod God."
Ultimate E: "Er… okay. Also, could you just point me in the direction of Earth?"
Ultimate Galactus: "Here is a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. It should show you the way."
Ultimate E: "Thanks. I won't kill you."
Pandrio: "Your compassion knows no bounds, Mod God."
Ultimate Galactus: "Mod God."
Ultimate E boards the spare shuttle pod and launches himself towards Earth.
From his viewscreen, Bass Lak Tus sees all, and he sees his herald fly away from him.
Bass Lak Tus: "NOU! EEEE! Hee hash been TRICKD bah mah clouk! EE! Ah'm ovuh heyah! Heyah! EE! It's the CLOUK! EE! EE! EE! DUHN'T BEE FOULED! THUH CLOUK!"
The shuttle pod flies off into the distance of space.
Bass Lak Tus rests his chin on his hand, sighs, and shakes his head in resignation.
Bass Lak Tus: "Uhm jusht tou goud."
When Ultimate E, an alien from a far away galaxy, crash landed on Earth, he created Ultimate Central, which began giving people incredible abilities. Those who were touched by the astounding effects of the site, rebelled against its creator and banished him to space to serve eternity as the herald for the planet-eating force of celestial balance, Bass Lak Tus. But now he is free. He is heading for Earth. He is Ultimate E.
~ NURHACHI PRESENTS ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
"THE REVENGE OF ULTIMATE E"
Volume 6, Issue 42, By Bass
The Avatars roll call
DIrishB - recreational marijuana user and historical mastermind, he has the power to control plantlife and vegetation
Icemastertron - the team's secretary and accountant, who needs to use his ice control powers in order to finance the Avatar's binging
Nurhachi - arguably the possessor of the strangest superpower of all - prehensile blood - he is the team's moral and artistic compass
ProjectX2 - the rock-skinned old-timer who's random thought patterns make him a terrific lateral thinker and strategist
The Man Without Fear - the team's maverick leader, with heighetened senses, capable of powerful energy blasts from his eyes
Ultimate Gambit: - decisive, repentant, and hedonistic hero who has the disconcerting power to make anything he touches explode
The Brotherhood roll call
Baxter - team player desiring a fame of heroes, his giant size made him a menace
Compound - dictatorial sadist and master of intelligence, gravity is his servant
Guijllons - the fictional Limey, a coward able to move in and out of our reality
Marvelman - man-ferret with an ice sword that can slice through space
Ourchair - intellectual general of the Brotherhood, master of electromagnetism
Shihad - remorseless villain capable of mutating into a terrifying monster
Ultimate Quicksilver - impatient general, distance has no meaning for him
Widdle Wade - regenerating warrior, his fondest wishes became a nightmare
Kansas
The sky is alight. An object, out of control, plummets to Earth. Too fast, too big to be a bird - a plane? No - it's the shuttle pod. It thunders into a field, pillaging the soil and burning the crops. Upside down and back to front, Ultimate E opens the chassis.
Against the bright midday sun, are the silhouettes of two figures standing over him.
Ultimate E: "Not again."
Zeke: "Moyntayl, lewk at thayt! We gut oyurseylves ay noo boy."
Montel: "Oh, heya lewk purty, liyke heya beeyn deyliyveyreyd toya uys."
And two more suns appeared from inside the shuttle pod, atomizing poor Zeke and Montel. Ultimate E rubs his energy blast eyes, and gets out of the pod.
In the distance, Ultimate E sees a small farm, and a young man crying to himself as he sits on a tractor. Ultimate E flies to him.
Ultimate E: "Boy. Tell me the name of this place."
Tom: "I'm too upset."
Ultimate E: "I need to know where I am."
Tom: "You don't know how hard my life is!"
Ultimate E: "Your life?"
Ultimate E sits down next to Tom, who offers him some chewing gum, which E accepts.
Ultimate E: "I was once the most powerful being there ever was. I had it all. And I mean 'All'. But where I come from - there was some trouble, you understand. All the power I had, my world was falling away piece by piece. So I had to find somewhere else to live, to rule. Understand, I never intended to rule as a monster, just rule as benevolent king. And to that end, I created warriors, in my own image. And how do they repay me? They banished me to nothingness. But I came back. I always do. It's one of my powers. And once more they banished me, but to something worse than nothingness. My god, do you know the things I had to do for that guy? When I first started working for him, he decided to wear a diaper as I could… clean him. Then, he just stopped wearing the diaper. And I tried to make the best of it. I cooked, I cleaned, I saved him a lot of money on eating out. He was getting healthier, losing weight and did he ever say 'thank you'? Not once. He just kept trying to 'melt' me. With a hairdryer. I tell you, I saw a chance to get away and I don't regret it. No way."
Tom: "You think that's bad? There's this girl, right, Kristin?"
Ultimate E: "Ah, women. You know I had to leave a wife and family behind?"
Tom: "Well, I'm in love with her, you see…"
Ultimate E: "But she doesn't love you."
Tom: "No, she loves me."
Ultimate E: "Oh… she's going out with someone else?"
Tom: "No."
Ultimate E: "Married? Engaged?"
Tom: "No, she's single."
Ultimate E: "Parents hate you?"
Tom: "She's an orphan. Her aunt and my parents get on fine, they want us to hook up."
Ultimate E: "She's diseased?"
Tom: "Nope. Healthy."
Ultimate E: "You're gay."
Tom: "No!"
Ultimate E: "She's gay."
Tom: "Not at all. We love each other."
Ultimate E: "One of you is a transsexual."
Tom: "No."
Ultimate E: "She's… ugly?"
Tom: "No. Here's her picture."
Ultimate E: "She's attractive. So what's the problem?"
Tom: "Don't you see? She loves me and I love her and we're both single and attractive and 17!"
Ultimate E: "…"
Tom: "I have a secret and I can't tell her."
Ultimate E: "So? That doesn't stop you dating her. Or even ****ing her. She doesn't have to know everything about you before you go on your first date. Just go out with the girl and as time goes on, you tell her what she needs to know."
Tom: "You don't understand! We're single, horny, and in love and 17! We just can't allow each other to know that even though we already know!"
Ultimate E looks at Tom.
He punches his head off.
Ultimate E: "And I'm going to kill that Kristin *****, too."
At the crash site, the Brotherhood have arrived, and Ourchair inspects it.
Ourchair: "This appears to be NASA issue, but it's very advanced."
Ultimate Quicksilver: "How did Strangefate even know about this? I wouldn't think he'd care."
Compound: "Not everything we do has to be mandated by him. This is our own intiative. Alien artifact crashes on Earth - we should take a look. That's how we ended up with E in the first place remember?"
Baxter: "So what do you think was in this thing?"
In the distance, in the small town of Boringville, screams were heard. If any of the Brotherhood had super-duper hearing, they'd know one of the screams belonged to an annoyingly dull girl named Kristin. But they don't. It's worth noting that Kristin has been literally torn apart. Note that.
Ourchair: "Something violent. Qui…"
Ultimate Quicksilver: "On it."
Faster than light (well, not really. Light's really fast. Ultimate Quicksilver isn't that fast. Although maybe he is. Did you know that the speed of light isn't constant? Physics is a big crock of ****.) Ultimate Quicksilver ran into the town of Boringville.
And as soon as he left, he came back.
Ultimate Quicksilver: "Change of plans! Leg it!"
Baxter: "What is it?"
Ultimate E: "My faithful Cabinet! You've returned to me!"
Ourchair: "Oh ****."
Widdle Wade: "Who's that?"
Ultimate E: "Hahaha. These young whippersnappers today. Tell him, Baxter."
Baxter: "Widdle Wade, this is Ultimate E. The guy who pretty much gave everyone powers."
Widdle Wade: "No. That was Doctor Strangefate."
Ultimate E: "Hahaha. No, Doctor Strangefate can only activate the latent power gene which I put in you, my dutiful subject."
Widdle Wade: "You're an ******* then."
Ultimate E: "Baxter, you should keep your men in line."
Ourchair: "We're not his men."
Ultimate E: "Where is Strangefate? Did he die of AIDS?"
Ultimate Quicksilver: "We're his Brotherhood now."
Ultimate E: "You're in a musical?"
Baxter: "See, I told you guys 'Brotherhood' was a stupid name."
Shihad: "Quiet or I'll eat you."
Ultimate E: "Lay off Baxter. He's a good man."
Baxter: "God, I didn't realize how much I missed you."
Ultimate E: "There, there. What happened to your crab?"
Baxter points at Compound.
Ultimate E: "Well, we'll sort this all out. The rest of you; swear loyalty to me or taste my wrath."
Ourchair blasts Ultimate E with a huge bolt of electricity, flooring him.
Ourchair: "I'm quite happy being in charge."
Baxter: "That was… the worst pun…"
Ultimate Quicksilver, in the blink of an eye, punches Ultimate E a thousand times in the face.
He probably only feels three.
Ultimate E grabs Ultimate Quicksilver and flings him into the air.
Ultimate E: "Enjoy your super speed now."
Widdle Wade puts his boot right through Ultimate E's face, dropping him to the floor. Another boot keeps Ultimate E on the floor. And another. And another. A continuous beating. Every blow designed to kill. If he were a normal human, perhaps even a superhuman, Ultimate E would be dead many times over. But, unfortunately for Widdle Wade, this is not the case.
Baxter gently picks up Widdle Wade with one hand.
Baxter: "I don't want to hurt you, Wade."
Widdle Wade twists and turns, dropping out of Baxter's gigantic hands, vaulting over his fingers and kicking Baxter right in the mouth, breaking a tooth.
Widdle Wade: "You won't."
The terrifying form of the were-squirrel of Shihad, his claws and teeth bearing, tackle Ultimate E to the floor.
Shihad has spent less and less time in his human form, something that worries his comrades.
But they're not worried at times like this.
Shihad, cackling as he does so, tears at Ultimate E, biting him, trying to puncture his skin. Despite his invulnerability, Ultimate E is still very unnerved by such a feral display.
But not for long.
Ultimate E grabs Shihad, and using his teeth like a plow, slid him across the field floor.
Shihad stumbled to his feet, and then, it gets darker.
Ultimate Quicksilver crumples ontop of Shihad from his monumental height.
Marvelman slashes at Ultimate E with his sword, but each blow just nicks Ultimate E's skin.
Widdle Wade, holding onto Baxter's nose, pulls out one of his guns, and aims it directly at Baxter's eye.
Baxter blows a huge breath out of his mouth and nose, propelling Widdle Wade through the air.
Ultimate Quicksilver and Shihad, dizzy and disorientated try to stand up.
Widdle Wade, smacked out of the air by Baxter, is slammed directly on top of the two.
Ultimate E, easily grabbing Marvelman, throws him to Baxter.
Ultimate E: "Hold onto him."
Baxter: "Okay, E."
Baxter cups Marvelman in both his hands like an action figure. Marvelman struggles, but can't move enough to create portal to teleport through.
Ultimate E is suddenly pulled into the floor. He looks bewildered and perplexed as he cranes his head and sees Compound smiling.
Compound: "You've put on weight."
Baxter: "What is it with you two?"
Ourchair zaps the immobilized Ultimate E with a non-stop blast of electricity. Ultimate E, is held to the floor, agonizing in the blast.
Ultimate E blasts Ourchair with his eyebeams, again to Compound.
Widdle Wade, Ultimate Quicksilver, and Baxter all try to stand up, but Ourchair crashes upon them. Then Compound.
Ultimate E: "Odd. I thought those two hated each other."
Baxter: "Me too."
Ultimate E: "No matter. And who's this?"
Guijllons, the last member of the Brotherhood still standing (though, it's not as if the others haven't tried), meets Ultimate E's gaze.
And Guijllons just faded out of reality.
Ultimate E: "And here I thought Ourchair was the genius. Now, Marvelman."
Baxter kneeled down and presented Marvelman to Ultimate E.
Ultimate E: "Take me to Ultimate Central."
Marvelman: "But… I can't travel dimensions."
Baxter: "It's true. He tried not long ago, and he couldn't do it."
Ultimate E: "I think he wasn't properly… motivated."
Ultimate E's cheeks pulled back, bearing the most villainous smile…
Ultimate Central
DIrishB: "Here it is."
The Man Without Fear: "That's no humvee."
DIrishB: "It so is."
Icemastertron: "It is."
The Man Without Fear: "Okay. It is. But it's six-inches long. I can't drive this."
Project X2: "You can't drive."
Nurhachi: "A dare's a dare."
The Man Without Fear: "Yeah, and I want a humvee. One that works! Not this ornamental piece of crap."
DIrishB: "Fine. I'll go and get you a humvee."
DIrishB teleports away, back to Earth to look for a humvee. Don't ask what these guys are up to. It's probably best if it's never fully known. All that should be known is that they've been laying low ever since that whole Hollywood fiasco.*
*That was the fantabulous #40 of this mediocre-until-#40 series. - Self-hypening Ed.
Reality is cut in half, and through the gateway steps Ultimate E and Baxter.
Ultimate E: "Thank you, Marvelman."
Ultimate E tosses Marvelman back into the gateway.
Kansas
Compound, Ourchair, Shihad, Widdle Wade, and Ultimate Quicksilver just get back to their feet and start dusting themselves off.
Marvelman falls through the gateway and lands on them.
Ultimate Central
Icemastertron: "E?!"
The Man Without Fear: "Nur! Get the Killifier!"
Ultimate E: "Calm yourselves. I am not with that fool, Bacon Lettuce Tomato."
Baxter: "Good one."
Ultimate E: "A MONTH I've been waiting to say that."
Ultimate Gambit:: "I don't get it."
Nurhachi: "I see you're with him, Bax."
Baxter: "Let's just say - I got tired of the Brotherhood."
Ultimate E: "But you did get tired of the Brotherhood."
Baxter: "…"
Project X2: "Was that supposed to be pithy?"
Ultimate Gambit:: "Oh! I get it! Bass Lak Tus. BLT. Bacon Lettuce Tomato. Hah. Actually - that really wasn't worth it."
Ultimate E: "Silence! I have come for my things. Join me, stand aside, or taste my wrath."
Icemastertron: "I've tasted your wrath… And it tastes like chicken."
The Man Without Fear: "Goddamit, Ice."
Project X2: "I'll take care of Baxter."
Project X2 charges at Baxter's shin, and with his superhuman strength and rock-skinned body, knocks Baxter to the floor. Running on top of his body, he starts pummeling in Baxter's face.
The Man Without Fear throws a fly kick right at Ultimate E's head, who ducks it. The two circle each other, throwing punches and kicks.
Ultimate Gambit:: "Out of the way Mwof!"
Icemastertron: "We can't shoot E!"
The Man Without Fear hops back to give the rest of his team a clear shot at Ultimate E, but Ultimate E grabs him by his shoulders and headbutts him.
Holding onto The Man Without Fear, Icemastertron and Ultimate Gambit can't shoot Ultimate E - but he can shoot back. Using his eyes, Ultimate E blasts and floors Icemastertron and Ultimate Gambit.
Nurhachi: "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY!"
Landing on Ultimate E's back, Nurhachi, covered in spikes, starts hacking away at Ultimate E.
Project X2 is still beating Baxter, so Baxter simply claps is hands as if swatting a fly. But the hands never meet. Project X2 holds out his arms, keeping Baxter's hands at bay.
It's quite a struggle.
Until Baxter sits up slightly, and headbutts Project X2 across the Mansion.
The Man Without Fear, unable to move, looks at Ultimate E and blasts him with his eyes. Ultimate E yells and throws The Man Without Fear into the abyss of cyberspace that surrounds Ultimate Central.
Nurhachi pulls off of Ultimate E and stretches out his blood, catching The Man Without Fear - just. And starts pulling him back up.
Ultimate E calls Baxter to him and they go to the main database of Ultimate Central. Ultimate E hunts through the files and the various lockers and cabinets.
Baxter: "What are you looking for?"
Ultimate E: "I swear - what they've done with this place. Did they rent this stuff out for advertising revenues? And the filth! This may be the only place where you'd have to debate if using the sink after taking a dump would actually make you cleaner."
Baxter: "Can I help?"
Ultimate E: "No. I've got the downloads going."
Baxter: "Downloads?"
Ultimate E: "Powers… and some information."
Baxter: "What kind?"
Ultimate E: "Later, old chum."
The Man Without Fear: "There won't be a later, 'old chum'."
The five Avatars stand proud in front of Ultimate E and Baxter. Baxter motions towards them, as if to fight, but Ultimate E holds him back. He opens a locker containing five rocks.
Ultimate E: "I don't know what disgusts me more. The filth, or the fact that you're so lazy and incompetent you've not even looked around this mansion to see what I left here. This was not just my home, you understand. It was my armoury."
Ultimate throws each of the five rocks, each one lands near a different Avatar. The Avatars felt weird.
Ultimate E: "That weird sensation you're feeling are the banes. Be thankful that I could only bring such small samples with me. Where I come from, these things were outlawed by every civilization we had."
Ultimate Gambit:: "I hate blacks! I hate them! Argh! I can't wait to time travel with my aunt!"
Icemastertron: "I… have a new plan! I must create my own evil-twin clone! Then! The world is mine!"
Nurhachi: "I need to write a letter to my girlfriend. I'll call it 'red'."
Project X2: "I-I (We could be in trouble here) - I- I am telling you this - I mean I think that we - I maybe think that - I AM A GOD!"
The Man Without Fear: "What… ugh… did you do to us? Why do I have a sudden craving for bananas?"
Ultimate E: "Each of you is being exposed to a rare element. Ultimate Gambit is exposed to Hudlinite. Already he is developing into an irrational teenager with a hatred for black people and wishing he could time travel with his aunt in a giant robotic suit."
Ultimate Gambit:: "Yes! Blacks were urbanized 300 years ago! They called themselves P Dadsy and Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog and shot each other up! The projects were ingrained into their DNA long before the projects even existed! Each one a poor gangsta rappa! God, how I hate them! I need to get my aunt into the giant robotic suit! We can time travel together! It'll make no sense! But I wanna!"
Ultimate E: "Poor Ice. Perhaps I was too harsh to him to expose him to Claremontite."
Icemastertron: "Here are the controls for Ultimate Central! I must give someone Ice powers so that they can pretend to be me, but then actually turn out to not be me, but evil-twin… from the future! And then, he can travel back in time and create me, thus completing the circle!"
Ultimate E: "As for you N…"
Icemastertron: "AND ALIENS! Aliens and giant sixty foot tall robots! And anyone who stands in my way, I'll yell at and claim it's okay because I'm Jewish! My plans are flawless!"
Ultimate E: "I remember why I locked that one away. Nurhachi, has been exposed to Loebonite. He'll pose no trouble to us."
Nurhachi: "Dear Girlfriend. Let me tell you about something that happened to me that was interesting and that way I don't actually have to think of anything new."
Ultimate E: "Project X2, would still pose us much trouble, were it not for the unique properties of Bendisite."
Project X2: "Why does n-nothing, I mean why-w-w-why does nothing go… oh god… I can't even… I… I can't…"
Ultimate E: "The poor fool can no longer finish a single thought, his mind so stuck in a repeating pattern of nonsense. And as for The Man Without Fear…"
The Man Without Fear: "OOO AAA AAA OOO AA!"
Baxter: "My God. He's jumping up and down, like a… like a…"
Ultimate E: "Monkey. Cardonite. He'll think he's invulnerable and that he can think with his ***."
Baxter: "These are horrible."
Ultimate E: "I have violated every treaty I have ever signed by using these. They are a war crime."
The Avatars, each locked into a personal hell, were truly beaten. Project X2 sat, repeatedly motionless, waiting for some black guy with an eye patch to save him. Ultimate Gambit just kept yelling about how black people are responsible for anything bad that's ever happened ever. Nurhachi leaves the room, carrying the Loebonite with him, dictating a letter into the rock as if it was a Dictaphone. It is an immensely boring letter. Icemastertron still hacked away at Ultimate Central, trying to make ice clones of himself. And as for The Man Without Fear. He began covering himself in blue paint, fantasizing over biting pregnant women and killing gay people with AIDS because of the irony.
Ultimate E: "For the first time in my life, I wonder if perhaps I have gone too far."
And with that, Ultimate E and Baxter teleport away from Ultimate Central.
Moments Later
DIrishB: "Hey guys, I'm home! 'Get me a humvee that works.' Enjoy your damn tonka humvee you b… What the hell?"
Nurhachi: "It was at that point I had a fight for absolutely no reason. Then, I talked to myself for hours. It was the most exciting day of my life that happened a long time ago. It's so easy to just talk endlessly, Girlfriend. Why, if I had to think, my brain may explode."
DIrishB: "Nurhachi? What's going on? You guys - you're all acting weird. Like - you've all taken drugs or something. Only a million times worAAAH!"
The Man Without Fear leaps and knocks DIirshB to the floor, screaming like a monkey, the blue paint still wet. In his hand, he has Cardonite, and raises it up high to smash it into DIrishB's skull.
DIrishB kicks The Man Without Fear across the room, and as he does so, The Man Without Fear drops the Cardonite and it flies across the room.
The Man Without Fear, gurgles and starts to recover.
The Man Without Fear: "Irish?"
DIrishB: "What's going on?"
The Man Without Fear: "The rocks - get rid of the rocks…"
DIrishB, commanding the pot plants across Ultimate Central, made them pick up the Bendisite, Loebonite, and Hudlinite, freeing Project X2, Nurhachi, and Ultimate Gambit.
The Man Without Fear: "There's still two more…"
Icemastertron: "FOOLS OOO AAAA AAA!"
Icemastertron, standing proudly on an ice tree he made, screaming like a monkey with Claremontite in one hand - and Cardonite in the other.
Icemastertron: "I HAVE A NEW PLAN! First, I will find a monkey and extract its monkey DNA to create a race of super-monkeys that can spit marbles on the ground, causing my enemies to trip, and with such sudden pulls of gravity as the entire world trips, create a wormhole that will allow me to send one my evil clone back in time with a virus that will result in the creation of a super-strain of coughing while placing stocks into pharmaceuticals and reaping the windfall, eventually allowing for his rise as a billionaire allowing me to purchase enough rainforests to create enough paper to give everyone on the planet a papercut! WITH PREGNANT BLUE ALIEN ROBOTS!"
The Avatars recoiled in pain, as their brains started to pulsate.
Project X2: "My brain!"
Ultimate Gambit:: "Me hurting to think!"
Nurhachi shoots his blood tendrils over Icemastertron's face, effectively silencing him, while DIrishB and The Man Without Fear, using pots and lids to capture the two banes.
Placing the banes back in the locker and locking it, the Avatars agreed that this was the worse thing that has ever happened to them ever.
Worse than that time Slimjim took over the world. Hell, they could laugh about that now. But this? They knew it was like being raped while the twin towers fell. That's how bad it was.
Icemastertron: "What did he look for."
Grumpy and turning to the computer, Icemastertron starts searching through files looking for what was activated by Ultimate E. He had been slowly moderating the site as best as he could. It is time to step up his game.
The gateway of Marvelman appeared, and out stepped the entire Brotherhood.
Ourchair: "We're not here for a fight. We came for Ultimate E."
The Man Without Fear: "He ransacked something out of our computers, we're trying to work out what he was after."
Project X2: "Why are we even bothering?"
The Brotherhood and the Avatars look at Project X2, perplexed.
Project X2: "He always messes up. Always. And it's always his mistake that undoes him."
Icemastertron: "I found it!"
The Brotherhood and The Avatars assemble around Icemastertron, and listen to his findings.
Icemastertron: "There's a lot of weird things in here…"
Ourchair: "Is there…"
Icemastertron: "But he accessed a file concerning some ancient object called the Kirby-Gadgetron. Apparently, it appears during the big bang of each universe."
Compound: "Each universe?"
Icemastertron: "Apparently, there were many universes before this one. A cycle it seems. This thing appears once and it offers whoever holds it any one wish. It's meant to allow the inhabitants of a universe to dictate the shape of that universe."
The Man Without Fear: "One wish?"
Icemastertron: "Any one wish. Then, it disappears until the next big bang. Ultimate E… I don't even know how he could know this, no one in the universe is supposed to know apparently."
DIrishB: "But he does know."
Ourchair: "And he's searching for it."
Icemastertron: "No, he's found it. He had the thing, but didn't want to waste the wish, so he hid it - in Africa."
Widdle Wade: "Then we go."
Ultimate Gambit:: "Wait. You want us to go and face Ultimate E, the alien responsible for all of this, tackle his giant soldier, Baxter, in Africa, over a Kirby-Gadgetron that allows us to shape the universe with a wish?"
Ultimate Quicksilver: "Should be fun."
Project X2: "Don't bother! He'll mess it up. Again."
Icemastertron: "He's trying to take over the entire universe."
Project X2: "But he's so bad at it."
The Man Without Fear: "You're not coming?"
Project X2: "Oh, I am. I'm just getting some popcorn and deck chair so I can watch."
The Savannah of Eden, Africa
The Avatars and The Brotherhood arrive in Africa, and in front of them they see Ultimate E, burning a ditch into the ground with his eyes.
Ultimate E: "They're here. Get in the way, Baxter."
Baxter: "For how long?"
Ultimate E: "Half a minute."
The Man Without Fear: "GET E! GO!"
The Avatars and The Brotherhood charge at Ultimate E but Baxter grows to his full height and and slams his hands onto the floor, creating an earthquake. The trees fall, the animals run, a dustcloud kicks up, blinding the combined might of the teams - and the ground splits.
Ultimate E can see his prize.
Project X2 sets up his deck chair and starts eating his popcorn. It's half sweet, half salted. He didn't have time to make up his mind.
Compound uses his gravity to keep Baxter on the floor, but his size makes it difficult, and DIrishB helps by sending vines around Baxter's legs, hands, and neck shackling him to the floor. Baxter can straighten his arms up, but he's stuck on all fours, unable to move.
Baxter: "E!"
Ultimate E: "They're too late."
In his hand, was the Kirby-Gadgetron.
And then another pair of hands grabbed a hold of it.
Guijllons.
He wrests the Kirby-Gadgetron from Ultimate E.
Ultimate E: "You must have been following me since Kansas. I'm impressed."
Ultimate E blasts Guijllons, dropping him instantly. As he falls, he drops the Kirby-Gadgetron. He reaches out to hold onto it, but it falls down the cracked open floor as his passes out.
But Guijllons has bought the universe another moment.
Marvelman cuts a gateway and the rest follow, appearing right next to Ultimate E.
Shihad lunges at Ultimate E, cackling as he tries to tear off his face as Marvelman slices at his waist. Ultimate E, bats Marvelman away, and Marvelman loses his sword in the cracked floor. Ultimate E shoots Shihad with his eyes. Widdle Wade jumps on Ultimate E's back and puts his arms across Ultimate E's head, preventing him from seeing. Ultimate E starts firing blasts from his eyes directly into Widdle Wade's arms, but Widdle Wade doesn't let go. His flesh burns, but it is already dead, tumor-like skin for the first few layers. The blasts go through those layers. To the bone. Widdle Wade does not let go.
With Ultimate E blind, Ourchair and The Man Without Fear head to the hole the Kirby-Gadgetron fell in was making. The Man Without Fear descends into the hole with great dexterity as befitting a ninja, hunting for the Kirby-Gadgetron which he can see, as Ourchair looks out for him.
Nurhachi sends his blood around Ultimate E's knees, drawing his legs together, and then more around his arms, drawing his arms into his chest - but Nurachi's blood is not so strong. It only incapacitates Ultimate E for a second, he then grabs Widdle Wade from his back and throws him into Nurhachi.
But a second is all they needed.
BOOM.
A sonic boom.
Ultimate Quicksilver barges Ultimate E, flying back as he does so, breaking a rib in the process due to Ultimate E's dense body. But mass increases with velocity, and Ultimate E falls.
The Man Without Fear, leaping upwards like an expert, gets to the top and holds out the Kirby-Gadgetron to Ourchair, who crackles with electricity and magnetic waves.
The Man Without Fear: "Destroy it!"
Ourchair electrocutes The Man Without Fear and laughs.
Ourchair: "It is so much easier to be evil."
Ourchair walks over and picks up the Kirby-Gadgetron.
As soon as Ultimate E falls, Icemastertron freezes Ultimate E's body in ice, then Ultimate Gambit leaps onto the ice and charges it with his explosive energy. Ultimate E tries to shoot the ice off his face with his eyes, but Icemastertron keeps reinforcing the ice.
Ultimate Gambit:: "Now!"
As the ice reached critical mass, Icemastertron on his ice-slide picked up Ultimate Gambit as the ice encasing Ultimate E exploded, leaving only a burned and broken man in its wake.
Ourchair holds up the Kirbgy-Gadgetron. He has no desire to use it now. He will wait for the right moment.
Then, an annoyance. With his electromagnetic fields crackling around him, the red optic blasts of The Man Without Fear dissipate as soon as they touch him.
Ourchair just outstretches his hand, and fills The Man Without Fear's body with a violent power surge.
The Man Without Fear shoots out his eye beams.
Ourchair: "Slow learner."
Then, The Man Without Fear aims his eye beams at the broken, cracked floor beneath Ourchair's feet. He plummets into the floor, and as he does, the Kirby-Gadgetron is flung into the air.
Jumping into the air, and sending out his blood as huge hands, Nurhachi grabs the Kirby-Gadgetron and lands safely.
Nurhachi: "So what do I wish for?"
Nurhachi is immediately tacked by Widdle Wade, who's arms are regenerating as he fights, throwing the Kirby-Gadgetron into the air.
The Man Without Fear jumps into the air and grabs it, but only for a second as Shihad brings him down, thrusting the Kirby-Gadgetron even further into the air. Icemastertron tries to reach it, but everyone watches as it flies into the air - and Ultimate E catches it as he floats tens of feet in the air.
He smashes Ice's ice-slides with a glance, and Ice quickly forms soft snow for him to land on.
Ultimate E starts laughing.
Ultimate E: "I…"
Immediately, Ultimate Quicksilver runs up Baxter's arms, broken ribs be damned and runs and jumps off his head. Icemastertron starts freezing the air in another escalating icebridge, but Ultimate Quicksilver runs up the bridge faster than Ice can create it, so he leaps off in Ultimate E's direction.
Ultimate E: "… wish…"
Compound relinquishes his hold on Baxter, which allows Baxter to break DIrishB's control, and he stands to his full height. He reaches out to grab Ultimate Quicksilver, but Ultimate Quicksilver suddenly leaps in height as the pull of gravity is so suddenly and greatly reduced.
Moving as a blur, Ultimate Quicksilver stretches out his hand, closer, closer…
Ultimate E: "… for…"
Ultimate Quicksilver misses.
By an inch.
He hovers in the air, drifting away from Ultimate E, who no longer cares.
Ultimate E: "… AS MANY WISHES AS I WANT!"
Kirby-Gadgetron: "GRANTED."
Ultimate E: "BWWWWAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"
It is over. The Avatars and The Brotherhood look stunned.
All except Project X2.
Ultimate E: "Now, Kirby-Gadgetron. Let's have some fun. I wish for all my enemy's to lose their power. There's nothing like humiliating you ingrates and making you watch as I redesign this universe however I want, whenever I want. Understand now, I control this universe as completely as I di… waitaminute. Ultimate Quicksilver is still floating. You have your powers. Kirby-Gadgetron?"
Ultimate E clears his throat.
Project X2 smirks.
Ultimate E: "I wish for all my enemy's to lose each of their powers."
Kirby-Gadgetron: "I AM ONLY OBLIGATED TO FULFIL ONE WISH."
Ultimate E: "But I wished for infinite wishes."
Kirby-Gadgetron: "YOU MAY ASK ME FOR WISHES SO LONG AS YOU DESIRE A WISH, BUT I HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO FULFIL ANY BEYOND THE FIRST."
Ultimate E: "B… but…"
Kirby-Gadgetron: "I CAN NOW SENSE YOU NO LONGER WANT YOU ORIGINAL WISH AND THEREFORE, I WILL GO NOW UNTIL THE NEXT UNIVERSE."
And with that, the Kirby-Gadgetron pops out of existence, never to be seen again in our time.
A brief silence.
Ultimate E: "No."
Bass Lak Tus: "Ulshtimatt Ee! I'vf foiund yoo!"
The Just Normal Typical Space Debris, the space ship of Bass Lak Tus, appears in the sky. Bass Lak Tus' voice boomed through the ship's speakers.
So was the tangy cheese smell.
Ultimate E: "NO!"
Bass Lak Tus: "It'sh okay Ee! Uhm taykink yoo houhm!"
Ultimate E: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Project X2: "Looks like I got my wish."
Ultimate E screams as the ship's tractor beam, eschewing a bright red light in the blue sky as it zaps Ultimate E and brings him into the ship.
With the gravity caused by the ship, the African savannah is crumbling around as the five-pointed white star ship hoves in the sky, blotting out the sun.
Bass Lak Tus: "THISH ISH JUHST NUORMAL TYPICAHL SPAYCE DEBREE! EVRYTHIHNG IHS NUORMAHL!"
Satisfied with his cloaking technology, Bass Lak Tus has his ship turn and leave, firing its rockets which aggravate the weather creating a tornado and an earthquake, completely destroying the ecology.
Bass Lak Tus: "Phew. Thaht wuhs klose! Thay almohst noytist mee."
THE END
NEXT ISSUE - I AM THE ULTIMATE HOUDE
NEXT ISSUE - I AM THE ULTIMATE HOUDE
Epilogue
Amid the chaos, Baxter strides across the land to safety, for now has no place to call home.
Baxter is alone.
But it will not always be so.
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