Re: Ultimate X-Men #96 discussion (spoilers).
Alright, normally in these Ultimate comic reviews I'm more than a little...forgiving because I largely hope that this is all going somewhere decent...that the guys in charge notice the problems of these books and are taking steps to fix them.
This issue proves to me, without a shadow of a doubt, that they know nothing at all about anything and things are only going to get worse. Much, much, much, much worse.
Ultimates 3, Ultimate Power, Ultimate Origins, and Ultimate X-Men are showing the direction this whole line is going. Dislike one of these titles and prepare for worse because all of our fears are granted life.
Ultimate X-Men 96 Absolute Power 3 out of 4.
Last issue, Northstar apparently died. I guess he did because his death means so little to everything in this chapter. In fact, Alpha Flight is completely forgotten. It's almost like picking up a different story mid-way through a short arc.
This issue begins "Two Months Ago" with Jean flying through space naked and coming across "A Silver Surfer" not THE Silver Surfer but A Silver Surfer. They fight because the Watchers deem it and we get what the Phoenix/Jean entity wants: Heaven.
She's searching for Heaven.
I don't really care what you believe, but I actually believe in God and Heaven...and I cannot help but roll my eyes and lament such a plot. It's cheesy and stupid. She's become a god in power levels but she's looking for Heaven.
Now, this is fine territory for a Silver Surfer story, but it has no business in an X-Men. Especially, one so haphazard and all over the place as this mess.
We now cut to the Danger Room where Jean is busting the remaining X-Men's asses. Nightcrawler somehow telepathically contacts Jean saying they need help...from themselves. This is so stupid, I actually put the book down for two hours as I watched the Simpsons Movie for the first time.
When it was over I returned to the book. This is supposed to be taken as a 'rock bottom I'm an addict and I need help' thing. But it can NEVER be that moment since the retcon two chapters ago that Colossus has been using for over 8 years without withdrawals or anything. But in a few days we're supposed to think they've become fiends?
**** You, Ultimate X-Men. **** you.
Somehow, and this makes so little sense so prepare for it, Cyclops 'sees' Jean in Nightcrawler's mind-talk and shoots her with his beams and that hurts Jean in the Danger Room. The 'explanation' we get is that, ahem, "I can do a lot now. Every part of my body is charged by solar energy now."
So that gives him mental concussion optic blasts? WHAT?
We cut to the Bronx where Spider-Man and Kitty Pyrde are fighting goons. Wolverine shows up and guts a guy in front of the two, who take it very calmly. In fact, they don't mention it.
Wolverine wants something from Spider-Man, he wants him to look over his blood for traces of Banshee that Jean, and supposedly Beast since it looked like his lab, found in his blood last issue.
That's right. Let that sit in for a while. He comes to a 15 year old to look at his blood with a high school microscope with what...1.5 magnification? When he JUST left the X-Mansion where Hank McCoy, a genetics genius, lives with his own high-tech lab.
The 'explanation' for this? Bruce Banner and Reed Richards would turn him into SHIELD.
Why bring that up? Why? Because that AGAIN shows how stupid this whole thing is. Wolverine was captured by the Ultimates in Ultimate War. At the end of Return of the King the X-Men were arrested! And I'm sure bloodtests were par for the course for the SHIELD controlled Weapon X program he was in since god knows when.
Thing is, if he's been on or been the drug Banshee then they know...and they don't care.
That's the conclusion they come to. Peter Parker, 15 year old in a basement with a microscope, says that his DNA is the drug Banshee. He comes to this conclusion without actually having the drug to check the similarities.
The X-Jet shows up and Wolverine leaves. Kitty wants to go but Wolverine says no because he doesn't want her to see what he's going to do to his own teammates. Which, spoilers, he kills Colossus at the end of the issue. He doesn't want her to see him gut someone when he came out of nowhere a page ago by gutting someone. Just making sure you get the irony...or rather...dumb ****ing plotting.
We're now in Siberia. Colossus's team has gone from Canada, Genosha, and now Russia without explanation between their appearances. I guess Nightcrawler but still..why? So little sense...and it gets worse!
Colossus has brought in a dead bear for his friends to eat. Raw.
At this point I put the book down again and watched Modern Marvels. It was 70s Tech, worth a look at it. I actually enjoyed it.
When I returned to the comic, Cyclops questions Colossus and Colossus tries to kill him. Because they're on PCP, I mean Banshee...which is Wolverine DNA. They're high on Wolverine. There's no making this sound good.
Jean and her X-Men show up out of nowhere and do the logical thing. See since Colossus is on drugs and he attack his best friend for no reason, now it's time to show the heroes who are not on drugs as being forgiving understanding friends here for their teammates and help them kick their addiction.
Or Jean will blow up their shack and order the X-Men to kill their friends. Yeah, that's reasonable.
So the X-Men are fighting X-Men for a page before Jean screams stop for no reason. At this point her father's ghost shows up and we spend three pages summing up that he's dead and a ghost and he was a bad father.
Jean gets sucked into Heaven...or Hell...we're not sure and I'm not sure the writer and his three artists know. (Yeah, last issue's artist juggling continues here as they're moving quickly to publish this on time for Ultimatum.)
Wolverine meets Colossus in the fight talks about ending the pain and splits Colossus in two. The last page shows Colossus holding his innards and crying as he dies in shock.
My guess? Jean wants to bring back her father (she says it twice in like three panels) and that plus Scarlet Witch's death will somehow lead to the ****fest which shall be Ultimatum.
-1 out of 5.
If you read this, you will get cancer. And you will deserve it.
