Ultimate Central: The Fanfic - volume 6

Dr.Strangefate said:
Aww man, does anyone else remember A Pup Named Scooby Doo?

And how Freddy always thought that this dumbass bully named Red Herring was the bad guy, and it never was?

Man. Freddy was stupid.
Click to expand...


Actually there was one episode where Red Herring really was the culprit.

Yeah, Freddy was stupid.
 
I notice you all speculate on my whereabouts, but not on the plot. For shame.

As for where I was - nope. I didn't go to Beirut.

I got the issue all done on Saturday and sent the issue to Nurhachi who still hasn't gotten back to me. I've been too busy to be online for three days now, and I've only just been able to come back online. As it is, I've assumed Nur didn't get my issue and sent it to him again.

As soon as I get approval, the issue is up.

So, sorry about it being late and there being a lack of communication, but it happened. Sorry.
 
Originally Posted By Bass
I notice you all speculate on my whereabouts, but not on the plot. For shame.
Click to expand...

FINE YOU HARPY!

Ok, I'm not sure what a "meat warrior" is but it sounds delicious.

I expect there to be large scale destruction, and maybe a thinly veiled parody of King Kong. Hmm, the beast wouldn't be King Curley would it?
 
Bass said:
I notice you all speculate on my whereabouts, but not on the plot. For shame.
Click to expand...
I assume that Doc Comic is a combination of Doc Savage (millionaire adventurer), Carl Denham (wanting to display the beast), and the Burger King (do I have to explain this one?).

Damnit, I'm hungry now. It's only 7:39 in the morning. I WANT BURGER KING.
 
ucff46cover3im.jpg


A Mountain That Looks A Lot Like That One On The Paramount Logo – You Know The One I Mean. It Wooshes In With Stars And Stuff. It Didn't Before, But Thanks To CGI It's All Wooshy Now. This Mountain Looks A Lot Like That One.

I Should Also Note That This Mountain Doesn't Have Wooshing Stars Around It, Nor A Big "PARAMOUNT" Sign. It's Not THAT Mountain. It Just Looks LIKE It. Plus, It's Day Time.

Okay, I Realise I Could Have Done A 'Net Search To Find Out The Exact Name Of The Mountain Used For The Paramount Logo And Just Said That One, But I Didn't.

And This Issue Is Already Four Hundred Days Late, So Maybe You Should Just Let Me Get On With The Story Instead Of Laying Into Me About My Geographical Knowledge. Just Don't Pick Me For Your Trivial Pursuit Team, Alright? Fine. So. Daytime. Mountain. That's Where We Are. Now Shut Up And Let's Experience The Most Amazing Thing Since Sliced Bread.

Not That Any Of You Would Know If That Was True Since You Weren't Around When Sliced Bread Was Invented, But I Assume You Get The Point.

You Do Get The Point Don't You?

Because It's A Wicked Metaphor. It Works On A Lot Of Levels.

Well, Just One Level, But It's A Wicked Level.

I Shouldn't Have Taken All That Acid.

In the South Americas, legend tells of a treasure, forged by ancient evil that would give its bearer the power to change world. Lost for centuries, it has been sought by many, and a map to it has now found its way into the hands of the most unlikely person imaginable.
That person, because he was so unlikely, sold it on ebay and Doc Comic was the winning bidder.
So Doc Comic traveled all the way to a deep, buried in jungle, part of South America, with a loyal team of native guides, on the quest for this most rare of rare treasures.

Doc Comic had breached the inner sanctum of this cave of treasures, braving the death traps before. Only he and one guide, remain. He stands in a temple, at the altar in the center of the room, and upon it – the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle.
Stroking his Bruce Campbell-like chin, and rubbing his hands together, Doc Comic pensively eyes the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle, examining its every angle.

Doc Comic: "It's another trap."
Guide: "Like the ones you set off that killed all the others?"
Doc Comic: "Exactly like those. You'd best be careful."

And with that, Doc Comic, with one hand, removes the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle and with his other hand, grabs the hands of the Guide and thrusts them onto the altar.

Doc Comic: "Now keep your hands on the altar at exactly that weight. Any change of weight will set off the trap's trigger."
Guide: "And what would happen?!"
Doc Comic: "I don't know. But something bad, I'm sure. So you'd just best stay there.

Doc Comic, Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle in his hands, walks off. He walks down the altars steps onto the main temple floor. Earlier, he had discovered that the temple floor was rigged so that anyone who stepped on it was shot with a poison dart. Using one of the guides as a human shield, Doc Comic had fully exhausted the poison dart supplies, the body of the guide, lying in the middle of the floor.
Doc Comic stops, and turns around, frustrated.

Doc Comic: "Well? Come on!"

Doc Comic motions for the Guide to follow him as he walks out.
The Guide isn't really sure what he's supposed to do.
So he lets go of the altar.

Nothing happens.
He sighs in relief.

Then… creaking.
Thudump. Thudump. THUMP.

The ceiling begins to crumble, the walls shake, and an enormous boulder comes tumbling from the roof!

Doc Comic: "You fool! I told you not to move!"
Guide: "What?!"

Bewildered, the boulder falls on the stunned guide, squooshing him flat.
The boulder, rolling down the temple floor, chases Doc Comic as he runs, fast as he can, carrying the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle, out of the treasure cave.
He comes across the pit trap he encountered earlier. Luckily, Doc Comic had no need to jump over this spike-filled hole in the floor, for he had already pushed so many guides into the pit as to fill it up with dead human bodies. Running over their carcasses, he continued through the cave, the boulder ever present behind him.
Doc Comic, keeps running, and comes across the first trap he encountered in this cave. A spiked wall that shoots out at extreme speed when the sunlight is blocked, so as to completely impale anyone who would happen to be standing there. As Doc Comic runs, he blocks the sunlight and the spiked wall does indeed spring out, but so loaded with fresh corpses, that it hardly moves with any real speed, and Doc Comic, lucky for us, runs safely away. The boulder however, flattens this trap.
Doc Comic jumps out of the main entrance of the cave, dropping the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle, and losing his special Ether Goggles behind him. The boulder comes closer and closer, sure to crush his goggles. Doc Comic, lying on the floor from the wondrous jump, reaches back with his hand, and stretches out…. just grabbing his goggles before the boulder hits the entrance and wedges itself there, never to be moved again.
Putting on his goggles, and proud of himself, Doc Comic reaches over to pick up the Golden Cookie of Ixtrapalapakettle… but it's not there.
He looks up, to see his arch nemesis.

Roguefan: "Once again Doctor Comic, we see there is nothing you can possess that I cannot take away."
Doc Comic: "It belongs in a museum!"
Roguefan: "So do your archaic morals."
Doc Comic: "How did you find the site? I have the only map."
Roguefan: "It's ebay. The guy scanned it in. I just printed off a copy."
Doc Comic: "You fiend. It's people like you that put Metallica out of business."
Roguefan: "My dear Doctor Comic. I would love to once again, spar wits with you, but as you can see, I have a cookie to sell. Let me introduce you to the natives of this area. Had you bothered to learn their language instead of killing all their brothers, perhaps you would be able to escape this predicament."
Doc Comic: "You fight like a cow."
Roguefan: "I'm shaking, I'm shaking."

Roguefan points to the native south Americans and in their language, says

Roguefan: "Kill him."

As soon as he does, before they have time to draw their bows, Doc Comic springs to his feet and begs it to the nearby river where his pilot friend, Bruce Jolie, sits reading one of Bruce Campbell's many self-help books, in this particular case the book was called, "How To Deal With Not Being Bruce Campbell".

Doc Comic: "JOLIE! START THE PLANE!"

Doc Comic screams across the jungle as arrows whiz past him, missing his many vital internal organs.
Bruce Jolie puts down the book and starts the plane – an old bi-plane, the kind they made in the 30s, but it uses a more high-tech engine with electric tesla coils.
Doc Comic runs, and jumps, grabbing a vine, swinging across the river. The natives shoot, and one of the arrows cuts the vine, dropping Doc Comic into the river.
He swims, arrows whistling past him, and grabs onto the moving plane, just as it takes off.
But it doesn't go far.

Bruce Jolie: "Doc! It's all these Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch burgers in the plane! There's too much weight! We can't make it out! We need to jettison about 180 lbs!"
Doc Comic: "You're right!"

Doc Comic grabs Bruce Jolie by his neck and throws him out of the plane. As he falls, Jolie gets skewered with arrows.
Then he breaks as he hits the floor.
Then explodes.

Roguefan looks up into the sky as he sees Doc Comic take off into the air, waving with one handas it holds a Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. Rogufan's face contorts like William Shatner's.

Roguefan: "…COMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

When the site Ultimate Central began giving people incredible abilities, its creator, Ultimate E created a team of heroes to bring justice to the world and deal with the astounding effects of the site. That team rebelled against Ultimate E and dedicated themselves to protecting Earth from all superhuman threats.​

But That's Not Important Right Now

"Who's the man
With the deadly hands!?,
Who's the dude
Who gets the ladies in the mood!?,
Who's the guy
Who's gonna make ya DIIII-EEEEEE!!!

WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHOOOOOOOOO!?

Its Doc Comic!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

Its Doc Comic!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN
DUN-DA-DA-DUN-DUN!

Who's got the meat
That tastes so sweet!?
Who's got so much money
That it ain't even funny!?
Who's got the shizzle
To make yo' FIZZLE BIZZLE!!!

WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHO'S THE MAAAN!?
WHOOOOOOOOO!?

Its Doc Comic!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

Its Doc Comic!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN
DUN-DA-DA-DUN-DUN!

*beat becomes low and quiet, slowly rising...*

Who?
Kicked Chuck Norris in the face?
Who?
Puts you hatahs in ya place?
Who?
Tried to kill the Pope?
Who?
First used hemp as rope?
Who?
Makes all the girls sweat?
Who?
Killed Boba Fett?
Who?
Fills you with such en-vy?
Who?
Built a robot ar-my?

WHOOOO?
WHOOOOOO?
WHOOOOOOOO?
WHOOOOOOOOOO?

...

...

...


DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK!?

ITS DOC COMIC!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

ITS DOC COMIC!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah!ITS DOC COMIC!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN
DUN-DA-DA-DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUNNNNNNN."

~ NURHACHI PRESENTS ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
"DOC COMIC AND THE
GREAT MONSTER HUNT"
Volume 6, Issue 46, By Bass

"Who!? (The Doc Comic Theme Song)" composed and performed by Moonmaster.​

On A Snowy Mountain In Tibet

Doc Comic, broken, beaten, and bloody, lies on the snowy peak of some Tibetan mountain. His entire body aches.

Doc Comic: "Ow. Nnnngh… can't feel my… Ow. Why can't I… nnrrrgh… feel my…?"

Three And A Half Minutes Ago

Doc Comic's goggles, in the hands of a huge behemoth of a monster, are torn in half.

I Hate Lost

Doc Comic: "Oh. Right. How does… that's not supposed to… Unbreakable. There goes that. My goggles… I can see my own damn goggles. Four meters. ****er threw my goggles four meters. Up. ****er threw my goggles four meters up. Well, they ain't gonna fix themselves, Doc…"

And Doc Comic pulls himself up to his feet and begins to climb further up the mountain to get his goggles.

Manhattan, New York

America

The North Part

1,000,000 Miles From The Civilized Middle East

Earlier In Our Amazing Story Of Amazingness

In the phat palatial corporate estate in Wall Street that is Robb Enterprises, is Robb, the millionaire playboy who lost his parents in a tragic accident and the secret alter-ego to our beloved hero, Doc Comic!
Here, Doc Comic is met by the owner of one of the most powerful globalised companies on the planet, the Burger King (complete with crown inside every Kid's Meal! Now that's good eatin'!). The Burger King had come to as Robb a favour, Robb, who was currently having his teeth checked by his personal dentist.

The Burger King: "I believe in America. America raised my fortune. Two months ago, one of my beloved restaurants was beaten, like an animal. Her walls were broken. Her windows were shattered, held together by wire. I wept. Beautiful restaurant. Now she will never be beautiful again. I went to the police, like a good American. They could not find the monster that did this. He went free that very day. For justice, I said, I must go to Doc Comic."
Doc Comic: "Why did you go to the police? Why didn't you come to me first?"
The Burger King: "What do you want of me? I'll give you anything, but do I what I beg of you to do."
Doc Comic: "What is that?"

The Burger King gets up and goes to the dentist chair, where he whispers his desire to Robb, the man who people believe simply knows Doc Comic.

Doc Comic: "That, he cannot do."
The Burger King: "I'll give you anything you ask."
Doc Comic: "We have known each other many years, but when was the last time you asked me over for a Mushroom Double Swiss? Now you come to me and say, 'Robb, get me Doc Comic. Give me justice.' But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me "Doc Comic". Instead, you come into my phat palatial estate on the day my teeth are being done and you ask me to do murder for money."
The Burger King: "… I'm sorry Robb, but I can't understand a word you're saying with all that cotton in your mouth."

Doc Comic sits up and spits the cotton balls from his mouth.

Doc Comic: "I said – 'I'll do it.' But I won't kill it. I'll bring it to justice."

Burger King grabs Doc Comic's hand and begins kissing it.

Doc Comic: "Good. Someday, and that day may never come, I'll come up on you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift."

Burger King bows his head and deferentially walks out the door.
Doc Comic sends away his dentist.
Alone, Robb presses the button on his desk and so descends the Big Bang Tube. It moves around him, and with a big bang (hence the name), Robb is blasted to his Bastion of Isolation, deep into the Antarctic.

The Bastion of Isolation

Robb prepares himself for the most amazing transformation. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to Doc Comic that day he picked up the magical toad of Albuquerque and licked its back. Fueled with supernatural power from a long lost Astro-Shaman known as Guntag Borghelm, Robb put on his Ether Goggles and costume and becomes – DOC COMIC!

Doc Comic: "Doc Computer!"
Doc Computer: "Yes, my gorgeous hunk of a human being? How may I pleasure you today?"
Doc Comic: "I need you to find me everything on the monster that destroyed the Burger King resteraunt two months ago."
Doc Computer: "Right away, my gorgeous lust puppy."
Doc Robot: "Hello, Dee Cee."

Doc Robot is a cute little red robot that has served Doc Comic faithfully for so many years.

Doc Comic: "Doc Robot, how are you doing today?"
Doc Robot: "I am feeling 51% pleasure emotions today, Dee Cee."
Doc Comic: "Is that margin enough?"
Doc Robot: "If it's enough to determine who leads the most powerful nation in the history of the planet, then it's enough for me."
Doc Comic: "Oh, Doc Robot. You and your controversial political views."

Doc Comic shakes his head with that Bruce Campbell like hero smile.

Doc Computer: "Oh, Doc Comic, my love bunny, I have found the information you asked for."

Cretan, Home of The Avenging Soldiers of Significance

They've Been Meaning To Change Their Name

Because The Abbreviation Is A.S.S.

Doc Comic: "The monster's name is UltimateDJF."

In the paradise like island of Cretan, Doc Comic has assembled the five members of the Avenging Soldiers of Significance.
ROLL CALL!
Jack Jackenjack – A normal human, who has just had Sam Beckett quantum leap into his body to put right what once went wrong.
Mandrake – An old Vaudeville magicican complete with top hat, cane, and black caddy, Lothar, the legendary black man who has the super power to stay out of jail.
Guybrush Threepwood – A mighty pirate whose legendary adventures into Monkey Island have become a series of popular adventure games.
The Black Knight – Still recovering from his encounter with King Arthur, the paraplegic Black Knight is the most aggressive of all the Soldiers.
Matt Damon – MATT DAMON!

Mandrake: "So who is this UltimateDJF?"
Doc Comic: "He is one of those 'Ultimate Central' people. They didn't get their powers the good ol' fashioned way by taking a lot of drugs, being exposed to radioactive aliens, or being subjugated to a failed, yet successful experiment."
Guybrush Threepwood: "Talk To: Doc Comic. You should try Loom!"
Jack Jackenjack: "Oh boy."
Lothar: "What did this 'DJF' do?"
Mandrake: "Please, Lothar. Men are talking. When we need to hear your barbaric monkey talk, we'll brandish a banana your way. Tell us, Doc Comic, what did this monstrous misanthrope do?"
Doc Comic: "He smashed in a Burger King joint."

Immediately, the Avenging Soldiers of Significance were aware of just why Doc Comic took this particular case.

The Black Knight: "Let's get him! I'll take him on single-handedly! None can survive an encounter with the Black Knight! I'm invincible!"
Doc Comic: "The plan is simple. We find this monster. Capture him. And then we take him to Times Square and turn him into a Broadway smash it. It's poetic justice."
Guybrush Threepwood: "I'm shaking, I'm shaking."
Lothar: "How do we catch thi…"
Mandrake: "Don't make me castrate you again."
Doc Comic: "He'll be easy to catch. He normally hangs around with three friends. The giant is missing. The werewolf child has claimed Cosmopolis. And the surfer isn't with him at the moment. This monster has gone for a night out. And he'll be easy to catch. Because I have bait. Meet, UltimateDJF's high school sweetheart, Betty Jane Darrow."
Matt Damon: "MATT DAMON!"

Mount Skull

It's A Really Big Snow-Peaked Mountain In Tibet Shaped Like A Skull

Ooooh…. Scary And Infringing On At Least Three Copyrights

This Is The Same Mountain As The One After The Credits, So, You Kinda Know What's About To Happen

A large door in the mountain is found. The Avenging Soldiers of Significance, led by our hero, Doc Comic, send Betty Jane Darrow in.
Betty Jane Darrow is not prepared for what she sees.
There is UltimateDJF, surrounded by a harem of beautiful Tibetan girls.

UltimateDJF: "Betty! … This… this isn't what it looks like!"

Oh, the yelling.
It causes avalanches, and rocks the mountain to its very core.
The harem comes running out, screaming.
And following behind, trying to avoid the henpecking, is UltimateDJF.

Doc Comic: "Now monster! Prepare to feel the wrath of A.S.S.!"

UltimateDJF squares off against Doc Comic and the Avenging Soldiers of Significance.
The Black Knight "stands" closest to UltimateDJF.
He's already died from exposure.

Matt Damon: "MATT DAMON!"

Matt Damon runs forward, and UltimateDJF bats him away with one hand. Matt Damon's body smashes into pieces as it flies off into the distance.

Jack Jackenjack: "Oh boy! What do I do, Al?! Oh… Al?!"

And with that, Sam Beckett quantum leaped, but into whom? Find out next week!

Jack Jackenjack: "What the hell is going on? Where am I? What the hell is THAT!"

Squish.

Mandrake: "Prepare to crumble in fear and confusion! … Pick a card any card."

Mandrake is knifed in the back. Lothar mugs him and runs away.
Guybrush Threepwood steps up front, and pulls out his cutlass.

Guybrush Threepwood: "En garde! Touche!"

Guybrush Threepwood begins scuttling around UltimateDJF lightly hitting him with his sword. In fact, Guybrush seems more interested in making sword-clashing sounds than hurting UltimateDJF. Not that he could, mind you.

Guybrush Threepwood: "Every foe I've met, I've annihilated!"

UltimateDJF brings his thundering fist down, but Guybrush deftly avoids it.

Guybrush Threepwood: "Use Bullets With Gun."

The bullets bounce off UltimateDJF.

Guybrush Threepwood: "Use Wax Lips With UltimateDJF. I can't make it work with that. I can't make it work with that."
UltimateDJF: "DJF SMASH PUNY PIRATE!"
Guybrush Threepwood: "Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!"

UltimateDJF turns around. There is nothing behind him. He looks back, and Guybrush Threepwood has already managed to run two miles away.
This just leaves Doc Comic, our illustrious hero, and UltimateDJF.
The two titans of manhood circle one another.
Doc Comic reaches into his pocket and pulls out…
A Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch PIZZA!
This is a 18-inch margherita pizza where each slice has it's own Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch burger.
UltimateDJF, licks his lips (who wouldn't?) and devours the pizza.
Doc Comic smiles.
UltimateDJF stumbles, he gets dizzy and drowsy.

Betty Jane Darrow: "DJF!!!!!"

She runs up and holds onto UltimateDJF as he begins to slowly fade away.

UltimateDJF: "O! I die, Betty; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit: I cannot live to hear the news from Massachusetts, but I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras: he has my dying voice; so tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, which have solicited – the rest is silence."

UltimateDJF passes away.

Betty Jane Darrow: "Now cracks a noble heart, good-night sweet prince."
Doc Comic: "Fear not young wench, for UltimateDJF hath yet not pass'd on. He stilleth live, for I merely didst poison him with the drug of slumber. He shall wake once more, upon our arrival at Times Square."

Times Square, Manhattan

It's Got A Lot Of Nice Lights

And I'm Aware Doc Comic's Goggles Didn't Break, But "The Story Told Me To Go This Way" Or Some Other Bollocks, So Shut It, You Slags.

Shackled on the stage, as dancers dance carefully rehearsed choreography so as not to arouse him, UltimateDJF, semi-conscious has become the greatest broadway spectacle since the Martian Monkey Men from Mars and Rent.
The musical number ends and Doc Comic dashes onto the stage.

Doc Comic: "That's right ladies and gentlemen. Who else promises you an evening of such entertainment! Just look at DJF! He just stands there, shackled, unable to move from drugs! Why – it's like reality televisions but even LESS happens! Am I right?"

The audience claps, cheers, in rapturous love of the show.

Doc Comic: "And now – the moment you've all been waiting for! The demonstration of my amazing knowledge of comic continuity! Ask me any question and I shall know the answer! No question is too hard! Prepare to be dazzled and made aware of how pathetic you people are as human beings by my amazing knowledge! You sir, your question!"
Audience Member: "What does SHAZAM stand for…"

Doc Comic smugly looks at the audience as if to say, 'too easy'.

Audience Member: "… when Black Adam says it?"

Doc Comic's face drops.

Doc Comic: "This bores Doc."
Audience Member: "You don't know do you?"

Doc Comic shakes with fury.

Just Outside The Theater

People run screaming out of the theater in fear for their lives as it shakes and crumbles. Out of the front wall comes Doc Comic, in his bi-plane, firing his guns across Times Square, screaming and yelling.
Who can save us from the hero-terrorist?!

Inside The Theater

Betty Jane Darrow: "UltimateDJF! Wake up, these are smelling salts."
UltimateDJF: "DJF sorry he slept around, Betty."
Betty Jane Darrow: "Oh, I'm to blame. I'm too frigid. But this isn't important right now."
UltimateDJF: "What wrong?"
Betty Jane Darrow: "It's Doc Comic! He's gone crazy and is terrorizing Manhattan from the skies in his electric tesla coil bi-plane! Can you save us?!"
UltimateDJF: "How?"
Betty Jane Darrow: "Well, if you go to the top of the Empire State Building, you'll be able to fight him on his own terms. And I know you can win."
UltimateDJF: "But DJF am scared of heights!"
Betty Jane Darrow: "I ask you for one thing…"
UltimateDJF: "But DJF acrophobic! Heights make DJF ill!"
Betty Jane Darrow: "No that's fine. I understand. If you don't want to fight him, that's okay. That's fine. I'll remember this."
UltimateDJF: "DJF sorry."
Betty Jane Darrow: "No, no it's okay. Really. I'm fine. I mean, I cook, I clean, I do your laundry, and I ask you for one thing. To challenge a pulp hero who's gone insane and is terrorizing humanity in his electric tesla coil bi-plane on top of the Empire State Building to a duel to the death, and you can't do it because you're a little scared. It's fine."
UltimateDJF: "DJF do it."
Betty Jane Darrow: "Oh, thank you, DJF!"

The Empire State Building

When I Went To Manhattan For '99 New Year's, My Mum And Sister Wanted To Go To All These Places Like Museums And I Wanted To Go To TWO Places. TWO. I Wanted To Go Up The Statue Of Liberty And The Empire State Building To Drop A Penny Off The Side. Did I Get To Do Either Of Those? No, I Did Not. And Now, You Can't Even Get Into The Top Of The Statue Of Liberty Because Of Terrorism. Bastards.

Not That I Could Get Into America Now Anyway, What With My Terrorist DNA. Guantanemo Bay Though, No Problem.

UltimateDJF reaches the top of the Empire State Building, wobbling at its top, his eyes ever so tightly closed.

Betty Jane Darrow: "Just don't look down, honey!"

UltimateDJF is holding Betty Jane Darrow's hand. She let's go and he wobbles, and holds onto the Empire State Building for dear life.

Betty Jane Darrow: "It's okay honey. Just stand up, and let Doc Comic know you're here, waiting for him."

UltimateDJF, shaking and trembling, stands up and taps his chest, let out a little squeal, and drops to his knees, holding onto the building.

Betty Jane Darrow: "Now, come on."
UltimateDJF: "DJF wanna go home. DJF want mommy."
Betty Jane Darrow: "Fine. That's fine. We'll go home. I mean I cook, I clean…"
UltimateDJF: "Okay! Okay!"

UltimateDJF rises to his feet, beats his chest thunderously and yells.
The yell bellows throughout Manhattan, and Doc Comic, in his electric tesla coil bi-plane, hears.

Doc Comic: "My god! That beast! Terrorising MY city! I'll show him a thing or two!"

Doc Comic flies his bi-plane up, and up, and away, into the Manhattan skyline.
He draws closer and closer. His sights, line up UltimateDJF…

Betty Jane Darrow: "Doc Comic is coming!"
UltimateDJF: "Where?"

UltimateDJF opens his eyes.
Oh, the poor beast.
He sees just how high he is – and he screams.

Doc Comic: "That's right, my foul monstrous enemy. You have every reason to be scared of Doc."

UltimateDJF panics and before he knows it – he vomits, all over Manhattan. His vomit is green and burning, acidic and most importantly – falling right on top of Doc Comic's electric tesla coil bi-plane.
His open-hooded, electric tesla coil bi-plane.

Doc Comic: "MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!"

Spinning out of control, Doc Comic crashes and burns, smashing through building after building of Manhattan's once beautiful skyline, plunging into the sea in a fireball.

And so DJF and his main squeeze, Betty Jane Darrow did live happily ever after.

Until DJF dumped her.

Because women suck.

Actually – they don't. And that's the problem.

THE END


NEXT ISSUE – WHAT IF YOU NEVER HAD TO SAY GOODBYE?​


Epilogue 1 – Something Mysterious That Will Never Have Any Relevance To Anything

Deep in a secret United States military research and development base, is the headquarters of the Scientific and Technical Underground Development of Extreme Nihilistic Technology – or S.T.U.D.E.N.T.
A man in a lab coat, probably some kind of stereotypical evil military scientist, walks up to a super secret door in a super secret bunker and puts in a super secret keycode of 4 15 16 23 and 69. The super secret door opens and he walks into an even more super secret lab.

Scientist #1: "Did it succeed?"
Scientist #2: "As you said."
Scientist #1: "So, it didn't succeed."
Scientist #2: "It was as you said."
Scientist #1: "I said it wouldn't succeed."
Scientist #2: "No you didn't."
Scientist #1: "I so did."
Scientist #2: "What are you talking about?"
Scientist #1: "… What are you talking about?"
Scientist #2: "You first."
Scientist #1: "No. What if we're talking about different things? I can't just tell you. You might not be allowed to know yet."
Scientist #2: "Look, all this cryptic double-talking is exactly why nothing ever gets done around here."
Scientist #1: "Don't ***** to me about it! I don't even know my own name anymore."
Scientist #2: "Isn't it Steve?"
Scientist #1: "I'M NOT MEANT TO KNOW!"
Scientist #2: "Fine, fine. Look, what were you talking about earlier? Just tell me."
Scientist #1: "I was asking if we managed to get hold of that UltimateDJF fellow so we could turn him into a weapon like they do in the Hulk comics."
Scientist #2: "… Oh."
Scientist #1: "What were you talking about?"
Scientist #2: "I ordered pizza."
Scientist #1: "What?! Why?!"
Scientist #2: "I thought that's what you were asking for!"
Scientist #1: "No! I wanted UltimateDJF so we could turn him into a weapon!"
Scientist #2: "Well don't blame me with your cryptic double-talk nonsense. How was I supposed to know? When you refer to everything as 'it' and 'wink-wink' and 'nudge-nudge' it all blends together."
Scientist #1: "Fine."
Scientist #2: "Fine."

Silence fills the room.

Scientist #1: "So what did you order on the pizza?"
Scientist #2: "Green peppers."
Scientist #1: "Cool."
Scientist #2: "Cheers."

Epilogue 2 – What's Up Doc?

Doc Comic's bi-plane is recovered.
It is searched, and his goggles are discovered.
The city mourn the loss of their greatest hero.
But his body is never found.

DOC COMIC SHALL RETURN.​
 
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Dude. Bass...you read my freaking mind.

The name "Doc Comic", as I explained before, was from a character I made that was a combination of Doc Savage and Indiana Jones. I've been obsessed with the Indiana Jones trilogy since I was in 4th grade, and I've thought about becoming an archaeologist since that time.

It's like you knew what I liked. You nailed it perfectly. 10/5

What exactly are my supernatural powers?

Thank you so much, Bass. That was completely awesome. And thank you, moonie, for the theme. And thank you, Lee Falk, for creating Mandrake.

Can I get a picture of the cover without the text so I can make an avatar?
 
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Mandrake: "Please, Lothar. Men are talking. When we need to hear your barbaric monkey talk, we'll brandish a banana your way. Tell us, Doc Comic, what did this monstrous misanthrope do?"
Click to expand...

:lol:

Awsome issue Bass!
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaaaahhhhhh......
 
Glad everyone enjoyed it! I was worried it might be too much. :D

Doc Comic said:
Dude. Bass...you read my freaking mind.

The name "Doc Comic", as I explained before, was from a character I made that was a combination of Doc Savage and Indiana Jones. I've been obsessed with the Indiana Jones trilogy since I was in 4th grade, and I've thought about becoming an archaeologist since that time.
Click to expand...

I believe the combination was Doc Savage and Indiana Jones "on acid".

Doc Comic said:
What exactly are my supernatural powers?
Click to expand...

The ability to lick the back of toads and think you're a hero.

You ain't got no powers, boy. You crazy.

Doc Comic said:
Can I get a picture of the cover without the text so I can make an avatar?
Click to expand...

Maybe. Ask me when #50 is done.
 
Wonderful!

I would have liked to see more interaction with the preexisting characters, though.

And the Guide at the beginning should have been Doctor Octopus

hehehe.
 
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