My Rolling Stone magazine has been on my table un-opened for about 2 weeks now. It is flipped over on it's face exposing the Oral B toothbrush ad on the back. I am scared to open it, but why? The magazine will not harm me in anyway.
No this month the only thing I am frightened of is the Face of one man, He is wearing sunglasses that are lightly tinted, earrings in both ears, a day or two worth of a scruffy beard, and probably some kind of cross necklace. His name is Paul Hewson, but you know him as Bono. This can only mean one thing inside, Rockstar drivel.
Only for the readers will I explore this terror. I am going to open the magazine to the Bono article and just scan. This will last no longer than 5 minutes. Then I will write about anything that comes across as funny, evcessive, douche like....Etc. When the 5 minutes are up the magazine will be burned.
0seconds-Bono's face looks really stupid, I don't know if I can do this
3seconds-The first page of the article is a 2 page picture of bono walking around a city neighborhood wondering why he can't help them escape the dregs of their existence (he really is better than everyone)
10seconds-HaHaHaHaHa. The first question is about his sunglasses.
12seconds-Another picture, this time riding through the city talking on his cell phone (Probably talking to the red cross or something)
14seconds-in the blurb on the page he claims his life is like "A Boy Named Sue". Hey dickhead, I think you are the one who changed your name to Bono.
27seconds-Another picture, here he is getting out of the car and there are "swarming" fans. I see about two people genuinely excited to see him, and one of those people is about 12 so she is just asking for an autograph for her mother.
32seconds-a quote under a picture of him at a laptop "I've always had these melodies in my head. If I am beside a piano, I put my finger on a key. I hear a rhyme." I guess I can thank him for not trying to rap yet. He is still wearing sunglasses.
1min34seconds-I actually readsome of his responses. He talks about the Who and Dylan, and Lennon, something about how they spoke to him. Mentions that they (U2) could not do covers so they started writing their own songs. He claims they came from punk, They liked the Ramones more than the Clash. Says he has a melodic voice like Joey Ramones or Dusty Springfields. Now the interviewer leads him by mentioning some people or bands that must be influential because they were so popular, of course those were also influences he says, he must have forgotten when his mind started wondering how to solve the world hunger problem. It is very hard to spew musical garbage out of your mouth while making a better world plan in your head. Sometimes I feel sorry for Bono's plight.
1min46seconds-A picture of him holding his Kid at his dad's funeral. He is still wearing sunglasses.
2min59seconds-More reading. Bono claims the bible "sustains me." He is writing a poem at the moment titled, "The pilgrim and his lack of progress." Oh Bono you are so smart. He loves Martin Luther King, and atheists, the later because "it takes courage to not believe."
4min13seconds-Great bono's political message. This area is garbage. I am not going to listen to some megalomaniac tell me how to better run the world. I also don't want to hear about all the charity work he does and how much it refreshes him. You are famous and rich, enjoy that and donate money to charity if you wish, but under no circumstances has your place in a rock band made you more able to understand or deal with world problems than the people who do that every day for a living.
4min34seconds-blurb "I'm sick of Bono. And I am Bono." Cliche' no denying it.
4min47seconds-picture of Bono and "the edge"(this has to be the stupidest name ever.) playing a show. The caption has Bono claiming himself overrated and the edge underrated. I think you are both overrated. He is of course wearing sunglasses.
5min-I turn the page to find...........Bono rates the entire U2 catalog. This just became a two day report. I cannot pass up the opportunity to tear this apart tomorrow. A quick scan of the 11 record reviews has him saying they did something "great" about every time.
He also claims U2's debut album "is one of the Top Ten debut albums of all time." You can't make this stuff up.
