CONAN
The film begins in the present day, outside the sleepy town of Hyboria, New Jersey, an unremarkable suburb facing economic downturn after the recent closure of a nearby chemical factory. In the middle of an October night, the sky is lit up by a flash, as a chiselled figure mysteriously falls from the heavens. He is naked, except for a sparse loincloth and some ornate armor. Landing in the midst of an ill-maintained dairy farm, he regains consciousness.
The man claims to be...
[IMGL]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/conan2.jpg[/IMGL]Conan of Cimmeria (played by Mark Wahlberg)
An itinerant warrior-thief and "famed solider of fortune", feared and renowned in the Hyborian Age. He claims his appearance in our era was the result of a malicious hex cast by his mortal foe, the sorcerer Thulsa Doom.
Conan's fingerprints and DNA samples match no known individual; he might as well not exist. But will he carry on with his senseless, butt-kicking ways, or does he choose to use this opportuity to use this sudden anonymity to do good in this strange new world?
The way I see it, at the beginning of the movie, Conan starts out as the Hyborian Age equivalent of a rock star -- a completely self-interested, glory-seeking attention whore. But as the story goes on, he eventually learns to channel his rage into more focused directions. For this kind of character arc, I picked Mark Wahlberg, combining the brash ambition of his role as Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, with the man-out-of-place dynamics of his performance in Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.
Now, quite understandably, the National Security Agency is more than a little worried about the prospect of a muscle-bound, self-proclaimed barbarian seemingly appearing out of nowhere, from the middle of American airspace. So they assign a handler to deal with Conan. He is none other than...
[IMGl]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/ldp.jpg[/IMGl]Agent Tommy Subotai (played by Lou Diamond Phillips)
A brilliant, no-nonsense military psychologist with years of experience dealing with post-traumatic stress disorders in battle-scarred veterans (which is his initial diagnosis of Conan's apparent delusions).
Conan insists that Subotai is a decsendant -- or possibly a reincarnation -- of a man who once served as his loyal ally on his journeys across vast, dangerous wastelands.
However, in spite of his early misgivings, Subotai grows to like this noble savage, finding in him a glimpse of the hands-on, get-it-done valor that he considers lacking in the pencil-pushers and remote-control Little Ceasars that he presently works alongside, in the NSA.
Subotai is portrayed by reliable character actor Lou Diamond Phillips, most recently seen as an intuitive marksman and ballistics expert on Numb3rs.
Subotai grants Conan permission to move about freely within the town limits of Hyboria, largely due to the involvement of...
[IMGl]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/redsonja2.jpg[/IMGl]
Sonia Redd/"Red Sonja" (played by Famke Janssen)
An iron-willed but over-burdened fitness instructor and single mom. Her "spin aerobics" classes provide Hyboria with a touch of modernity -- not to mention an unlikely space for community bonding.
Once a notorious party girl, Sonia rushed into a brief, disappointing marriage (only hinted at); she now gives her love exclusively to those who prove themselves more physically fit than herself, as a kind of personal eugenics strategy.
She agrees to a paper marriage with Conan, in order to prevent him from being deported.
Conan is convinced that she shares a spirit with one of his former lovers -- a notion that makes Sonia extremely uncomfortable, despite her reluctant attraction to the enigmatic rogue.
I don't feel the need to come up with a fancy justification for choosing perennial Dreamcasting fave
Famke Janssen for this "reimagining" of the Red Sonja character.
Sonia's house, like so many other residences in the lower-income areas of Hyboria, is being threatened with foreclosure by...
[IMGl]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/slj.jpg[/IMGl]Tiberius Dane/"Thulsa Doom" (played by Samuel L. Jackson)
A charismatic, self-made real-estate magnate who occassionally gives popular, well-attended motivational seminars, during which he shares his success story, as an example of good, old-fashioned can-do American work ethic. His outwardly cheery public image seems to hide a sinister agenda.
He plans to redevelop parts of Hyboria into a family-friendly casino resort, in the vein of Atlantic City during its heyday. But could there be more to Dane's grand scheme?
Conan believes that Dane is none other than his immortal foe, Thulsa Doom, who banished the wanderer to the present day. But could this merely be the paranoid suspicions of a time-displaced mind?
For the part of Thulsa Doom, I chose to go with another Dreamcasting mainstay: the multi-talented Samuel L. Jackson, here tempering his characteristic suaveness and bad-assery with the rah-rah enthusiasm of a secular preacher.
The cast is rounded out by...
[IMGl]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/bright.jpg[/IMGl]Dragan Redd (played by Cameron Bright)
Sonia Redd's insightful -- but prematurely cynical -- 11-year-old son. Withdrawn and bookish, he rejects excessively masculine activities, due to his disrespect for his estranged Russian mobster dad.
At first, he objects to Conan's patronizing attitude towards him. But once Conan starts to regard him as an equal, he begins to warm up to him, and a kind of mentor/student dynamic forms between them.
[IMGl]http://www.dumplingpress.com/kalokohan/conan/hoffman.jpg[/IMGl]Howard Jordan (played by Dustin Hoffman)
An eccentric, Joseph Campbell-esque professor of comparative mythologies. He becomes fascinated with Conan, and initiates a close friendship with the affable barbarian. But does he have some nefarious purpose for gaining Conan's trust?
Basically, the story is built around Conan's positive effect on the lives of the townsfolk of Hyboria. He becomes an idol to listless teenage metal-heads. He gets a job playing a barbarian character in a children's theater show, during the town fair. On a more serious note, he joins the neighborhood watch to cut down the area's rising crime rate, etc.
Inevitably, Conan's attitude will earn him the ire of both prejudiced small-town folk, as well as influential big-shots in high places. Eventually, Conan will have to face up to the harsh realities of post-9/11 America -- not to mention, quite possibly, his own cosmic destiny...
